u/JimZoDa

I had complaints typical of OCD and also felt detached from my feelings. What I described, what made me cry and want to kill myself, seemed like it never happened to me, although I'm telling the truth, but to me It felt like I was lying. Like I was making it all up, even though I had lived through it and hadn't judged it in any way. I also suspect I have ADHD, to this day. I can't keep switching between good and less experienced specialists just to get the diagnosis I want; it's the patient, not the diagnosis, that needs to be treated. He prescribed me venlafaxine (venlaxor) 75 mg, gradually increasing then 2 tablets per day and also prescribed me Risperidone 2 mg half a tablet in the evening. The problem is that despite my hyper-responsibility, I often forget whether I took my pill, and the psychiatrist said that he would also address my impulsiveness. That the drug that will improve cognitive functions and will be suitable, he diagnosed me with OCD and told me not to overuse the calls, because I called him 4 times in these two days and he answered in a minute and ended the conversation. I think it would be stupid to keep calling and I should just start treatment. He seems to know about the impulsiveness, I told him about my childish silly behavior and the need to tease. I'm afraid that I'll stupidly forget to take my pills, as I often do, even though I'm hyper-responsible and have the opportunity to take them, I still miss something and I'm afraid to start taking them. I don't know how my medications work, but they seem to improve dopamine by increasing norepinephrine, which improves my prefrontal cortex, and as I read, venlafaxine worked with ADHD and its symptoms. And he said after 14 days of medication to come back a second time and I think that by that time everything will start to slowly improve and if I really have ADHD, maybe the layer of anxiety and OCD that hides it. I'm from a post-Soviet country, and I try not to call him anymore because I have strange fears and a need for 100% certainty, which is impossible to achieve. I had a thought that he considered me a bad person and gave a combination to kill me and prevent my future murders and turning into a monster, yes, that's the kind of stupidity. As I understand it, he is the son of a psychiatrist, his father is in the clinic, the same last name and his father worked as a psychiatrist for 50 years, and he has 21-23 years of experience, they are from Russia, with extensive experience, evidence-based psychiatry and work. A psychiatrist, as I understand it, can have bad habits, be less empathetic and work quickly, but do his job properly and still build a picture, he asked a lot of questions and confused me when I could've wasted 40 minutes of the appointment on simple stories about life and asked a bunch of questions to understand what's holding me back, because who I am and how I live has already been explained. Because of this, I feel like he's given up on me. Although everything was honest and correct, he asked questions, set boundaries so that I would not abuse the phone number and I managed to say something about life, even though it was hard and it seemed like I had never suffered. However, month ago I was crying in a shower remembering the victims from violent content that was shown to me by my peers or watched out of curiosity and for adrenaline and dopamine. My God, this is so idiotic, I feel like I'm removed from my feelings.

P.S.

The first time I was also diagnosed with OCD, but I didn’t undergo treatment. I was 17 and my mother was against any medication, although I told her everything and constantly added new details and she saw how I suffered as a kid. The second time my mother registered me, I told her about my other side, I didn’t say anything about the terrible thoughts and at that moment there was a slight temporary rise, she gave me F92 ICD 10 and suggested that I might actually have ADHD and secondary anxiety. What she prescribed didn't work at all; it was some Russian nootropics and a small dose of Teralidzhen for sleep and 1/4 In the morning, it had a very weak effect on me, and it seemed to have no effect at all, and as soon as I finished, all my problems remained, I went to therapy, the first one said that I didn’t need pharmacology at all. Quite frivolous and optimistic, plus it seemed like she was a psychologist, she gave me exercises and through the cards I described myself, there was temporary relief, I chose a second psychotherapist, they both with diploma. I contacted a second psychotherapist through my first psychiatrist, and she couldn't do much. I told her about my situation, and she said I needed pharmacology, but he's a clinical psychologist, What I need is to see a psychiatrist, then if I want and consider it necessary, I can come to her, she showed me the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, which I have only done 3 times and always forget, and now I received treatment, felt temporary relief simply from the understanding that I could make my life easier and told everyone what I could, and now I am gradually returning to this eternal circle of calm and fear and anxiety. I have to do something about this, I have to just start drinking them, try them.

I told the psychiatrist about the constant fear that I am a liar, the first time I didn’t even know what OCD was and I just talked and cried, that time I also didn’t think anything and just told everything I wanted to say and what he asked me, but for some reason I always feel like a liar, the feeling that I have no feelings and emptiness, and if I do something, it’s like reflexes. I constantly feel like I'm manipulating, although I'm not trying to achieve anything and have never manipulated people. I'm constantly afraid that I've offended some animal in my life, that I buried my hedgehog alive, that he was in hibernation, I buried him not deep, but I constantly try to remember and I don’t believe my memories, it seems to me that he was tightly sealed, that the package cannot be chewed through, that I killed him and I don’t know about this, I tried to understand whether he got out of there if he was alive, there is a place with trees and grass, quite similar to his environment. I went to it, tried to find the grave, I have never offended animals in my life, I fed them, I had parrots, but one died of illness and that hedgehog turned out to be sick, with ticks and other parasites, I I was a child and I yelled at my dad to just take him to the vet, but he didn't do it. I still blame myself for this, even though I was a child and didn't cause any harm. No one listened to me, they said he died and I justified myself by saying that he was in hibernation, I didn’t have time to check his condition and they already helped me bury him.I tried to tell everyone, but they ignored me, I cried for a long time, and then after some time I remembered it regularly and couldn’t forgive myself.

I was diagnosed with OCD at 17 and it turns out that what I had since childhood was not something easy and was OCD, but I am afraid that I traumatized myself with violent content, my psyche was already vulnerable to it.

Every day I remember all these victims and cry, I'm not afraid of condemnation, I'm afraid of really being a bad person, even if there were no laws and morality in our universe, I would still feel bad af. I feel sick thinking that I'm physically capable of causing harm if I ever wanted to. I told everyone, added a bunch of details, but people don't understand and say I made a mistakes, but my fear and shame are not comparable to them. I feel sick thinking that every minute on earth someone is killed or raped or just treated badly. I seem to love my family and friends and have quietly done good deeds without any benefit, but I don't feel good. I don't feel like I love anyone or have ever truly loved anyone. I'm going to the psychiatrist again and I don't understand what's going on, I have a strange fear, I always feel like I'm deceiving, adding details and, on the contrary, exaggerating. I'm terrified of being a bad person, my mistakes are strange and don't cause the same reaction in anyone else, I thought I had a paraphilia, but I never did or planned anything related to this. I'm trying to control what I can't, I dream of getting superpowers to save every person I can and die sacrificing myself, not for heaven, but for myself.

Since childhood I have had many terrible obsessive thoughts, I performed rituals, including mental ones, as well as classical external ones. For example, wash your hands, touch the rag and wash your hands three times again, walking smoothly on the tiles because of the bet I made in my head, trying to spin green or red in my thoughts to understand true or false. I had erotic thoughts with my teacher, with my classmates with animals I became interested in the female body very early, even at the age of 2 I remember how I first discovered that there was some kind of pleasure in it. These thoughts caused me wild disgust, and when I realized that they were very spontaneous and unrealistic, logically incorrect, I continued to sincerely believe them and convince myself of the opposite. The worst thing that has happened to me in my life was violent content.

I didn't know I had OCD, and even if I did notice similarities, I thought they weren't severe or frequent enough. That OCD is a constant set of habits. 40% of the violent and illegal content I was shown by my classmates, and back in 3rd grade some guy told me about pornography. At 5-6 they showed me how a group of people burn a baby, it was so scary that I immediately turned away and did not remember it completely clearly, but this image still pops into my head, I thought about it for several days and even now I remember, I am very scared that such cruelty is possible in the world and I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I overplayed my disgust, that I felt nothing but emptiness and I still cry from pity and anger. I thought my thoughts were normal, that I had a dark companion locked inside and that I would one day go crazy, stab someone, rape or harass a woman. When I turned 15, I had a porn addiction that lasted until I was 18. I also often showed curiosity about crime analysis, the darknet, and began to search for my thoughts on the Internet. One of my classmates when I was in 7th grade had a CP gif. And he sent it to me, I quickly deleted the correspondence and I started having nightmares about how this girl was suffering, I was trying to save her, she was killed in front of my eyes after, and then he killed me and my family.

It began to seem to me that a criminal could pass among me at any moment, that the man with the girl might have kidnapped her, and I felt angry and checked my guesses. Then thoughts started coming to me that my father was a pedophile and I proved the opposite, again and again, until, thank God, they eventually disappeared. When I was looking for pornography, I could also stumble upon zoophilia or things even worse, in total, I watched 15 minutes of it in my entire life, and also just saw the covers of these videos, but that was enough for me and One day all the anger, disgust and pity for the victims hit me and I started crying and couldn't get up for 5 hours straight. It seemed to me that I was a sadist, that I was a terrible person and I could not turn off these thoughts, from these terrible thoughts I could feel a slight tension in the groin and as a result, my libido decreased greatly, Because every time I think about sex or relationships, very scary and disgusting thoughts come to my mind. I once went to bed and dreamed that an old woman was raping me and biting off my nose.

For 4 months now I haven't watched anything bad, not even stories and news, but I haven't gotten any better. When I share this, they often tell me that they did the same stupid things. My friend accidentally approached a 10-year-old girl then he noticed that she looked childish said sorry and left with laugh and shock. After something like that, I would suffer a lot and cry a lot because it provokes my obsessions and gives them arguments against my goodness. I told one of the cyber security employees about this who was giving a lecture at the school a year and a half ago and he didn’t judge me, he said it was very good that I take the topic seriously and asked me not to ruin my mental health. I thought he would judge me for this, but he said that everything was fine and that I was not storing or distributing anything.Three months ago I was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety disorder and I was in great denial about the diagnosis.

Then, after a huge amount of reading about OCD, I realized how OCD is similar to me and learned that it is very harmful, that all horror films, stories of witness trauma strongly feed it. I thought that they would put me in jail, but in the end I have not done anything bad and will not do anything bad and these are just my thoughts. I reacted so strongly because my psyche is vulnerable, but even now these thoughts are spinning around in my head and I want to start taking pills because they are so painful that I want to die.

I thought that God gave me these thoughts so that I could be the kindest and most oppositional person possible. And the fact that I saw bad things makes me even kinder and more ashamed. I prayed to God and asked him to take away these terrible thoughts, but this did not happen.