We accept the love we think we deserve.
You told me that in one of our hours long phone calls. In reference to a friend accepting a loser as her true love, but sometimes I wonder if thats not you. When things get too real, too honest, too much love placed upon a soul who feels she doesn't deserve it, she runs, and runs, and runs. Away from someone who saw every part of her and only fell further in love. Runs into people who dont know, dont care, dont appreciate what they have in their presence. Or if im delusional. If im truly not good enough for you. If the life you have now truly makes you happy. That's why you can't see this. Because what if im wrong? What if I affect your happiness with my selfish feelings? And...being selfish further, what if I lose our "friendship" that remains in the rubble of a stupid love affair? The memes and pictures sent from time to time. The simple conversation. That's all I have left of the one person who I wanted to interrupt ny silence and peace. I dont know how your every day goes. I don't hear your deep chuckle that reverbeates in my chest more than my own heartbeat. I can hear it, even right now. I fear you only stayed friends to pity me. I hear it in our calls now, nothing as long or as heartfelt as they used to be. I know its fading. And yet im afraid to end it prematurely. Because you're the only human connection ive felt happy in. That's not me saying I need you, or that Im not happy. I have friends, and family, and one day I could love another. But I dont want to. Because theyre not you. And I want you to know that every other person who has mistreated and deserted you is a fool. Every idiot who abuses your kindness and love for others doesn't realize the rare person they've encountered and hurt. I saw all of you, even the parts you thought no one would love, the stories you thought would push people away. I stayed. And I cant tell if its my overthinking, delusional brain that won't accept you don't love me, or if theres some truth ti my overthinking.
Its pathetic to feel this way for someone I was long distance with. I know. But of all the people ive met and loved no one felt more real. I say youre my first love, not because I haven't entertained other dates or flirted with other people, but because youre the only person I know id do anything for. The only person that, even as I hurt, I cant be mad at. Because I understand you. I see you. And it pains me to not know how you are, to not hear you, see you. I have no idea how you can be ok with...everything. For two years weve talked almost everyday. For months we called for hours at a time. And I miss you every time im left alone with my thoughts too much. I worry youre not as ok as you seem. I worry that me faking being ok confirms to you I didnt care that much. I want the part of me that hopes that it was real to wrong, because it means youre hiding your feelings, afraid, hurting. Because of me. And I worry the part of me that knows you dont love me is right, because it means the only person ive ever been truly open to, the only person ive offered my soul too, didnt want it.
I want you to know I'd stay. I am staying, even if sometimes I wonder if you want me to. Ive heard about people with your past and trauma pushing people away they truly love and needing them later, and I could never abandon you. I hear your voice in my mind when its late. I see your eyes when I close mine. The lovely darkness they held that seemed so soft and inviting. The light brown, almost amber when the sun hits them. I hear your laugh grow when you heard me wheeze my own silly laugh. I remember us laughing at how expressive your eyebrows were while mine looked like botox with how little I could move them. I remember you saying you trusted me, and that annoyed you. I remember you hating how calm I was as you worried about the future and I helped woth solutions and comfort. I remember you saying you didnt understand the want for children until you met me. I remember you saying you saw an old couple, the man tall and broad shouldered, and its what you wanted for us. I treasure the time you allowed me to have with you because I got to spend time with the one person I met in this world that I would choose to spend every moment of it with. I am afraid that the face I will see thats old and wrinkled and gray with a smile wont be yours. And thats not what I want. But you'll never know that. Because this letter would just ruin what little we have left. Because what I want isnt what you want. And thats ok. I'll always be your Birch tree, if you ever need me and cant reach me, find one, ill be there. If I ever need you and cant reach you, ill travel to the Redwoods, and find you there. My first love. My only love. The woman who showed me I had worth and yet was too good to stay with me.
Love, G.