u/Jkiddin10

I'm in a relationship of 7 months and i feel like lately we get into spats at least once a week or 3 times a month for the past couple of months and i know what you're thinking this is sooo new and you'll run into hardships but it feels unnatural because every time its because i said something hurtful and it's a constant cycle of you hurt me > im sorry i won't say that > we're okay.

The worst part is that i feel like my attachment style has changed as a result of this. Now all i think about every time we get into an argument about something my first fight or flight reaction is let's break up let's just end this right now (i've never voiced this) and it sounds horrible and its taking a toll on me for even having those thought when i clearly love him so much. In the past every time we had a communication issue i always wanted to talk it out and hash out the problem right then and there but now it's like i just want to run away or i feel exhausted when something comes up again. I've read that having so many arguments constantly can lead to burn out and lack of empathy in regards to your partner and im worried that's what i'm feeling.

Some more context into what our fights are like: sometimes we're just chatting about normal topics and i like to tease my boyfriend for banter etc but oftentimes he'll see the banter as like giving him shit? like i used to laugh that he has nothing in his apartment for cooking like no salt and i thought it was all in good fun but then he got pissed off like okay lets buy the salt and told me it's hurtful because sometimes he just doesnt have the time to go buy groceries etc and it feels like im giving him shit for being a busy person and i apologized and said okay i won't mention things so many times like that. or sometimes i'll say things like oh why don't you get started on this, why are you doing it this way (IN A HARMLESS WAY like im not trying to nag him im just wondering) and hes like having to explain himself why and then he'll get upset because it seems like im acting like i know better than him when he's done it a million times before me (and no i never thought im better than him but my suggestions just came off like that like he should do it this way instead or something). But what really hurts his feelings is when i say thoughtless things? I've said once, that the thing he said sounds kind of egotistical of him and he was upset because i misunderstood him, when i really just meant to point out that the phrasing of how he said it came off that way. Another time i told him before that he processes things slower than me and he took it as im calling him dumb and no, i meant that where im taking in everything on the page at once he's taking in only a portion of it. its just different processing speeds.

Recently we got into a fight because i said his situation was messy and he was upset because it seemed like i was judging his lifestyle and then mid making up i said that what he said wasn't a very attractive way to say it (but in a laughing tone) and then we're in a fight again.

Am i just a very shitty partner? like i can't control what i say, but i just never thought that these kinds of things could be misconstrued or thought of as so harmful that it hurts someone's feelings. We always talk about how hes just more sensitive than i am and i used to appreciate that he would always want to talk about things that hurt him because i want to know if i do. but now that it's so constant i get into my thoughts that maybe i'm not the right person for him if i hurt him so much and so often with how insensitive i am.

Of course everything is a learning process but i used to think that i think of my partner before i say things and now i can see that's not the case, but i don't know how to fix it. and now him telling me at every new pause i said another thing that hurts him makes me feel like here we go again which is horrible. i SHOULD care that i'm hurting his feelings but im making it hard for myself to care that sometimes my apologies feel so robotic like im sorry i said that im sorry i hurt you i won't say that again.

When we talked this out before, he would say that he doesn't know what he wants me to avoid saying, he just cant help feeling hurt about it when things come up so i don't know what TO NOT SAY that will eventually hurt him. That's just how he feels and its up to me to decide what to do about it which is change or etc. and then it makes me feel like a shitty partner because i DONT KNOW WHAT TO CHANGE? Like my entire personality? My thoughts? And is it bad that i feel like i don't want to change sometimes? Like i should want to be better for him and want to fix the problem, but sometimes i get so mentally exhausted that i feel like "why am i constantly changing how i speak?" When i brought this up before he said that it seems like i'm blaming him for having feelings and implying that what he's asking of me is so unreasonable when he's just telling me not to say things like that [that hurt him]. I can't help but agree like you're right it's not unreasonable, as your partner i should stop saying things (AND I DO, I HAVE STOPPED MAJORITY OF THINGS), but if every new thing that gets brought up is another tick off a list of something i shouldn't say then it feels so controlling? - reference back to him saying its up to me to decide if i want to change for him and now its an endless cycle -- if you see what im saying.

tldr; im insensitive and i don't know how to solve it with my partner when i feel mentally & emotionally drained every few weeks.