I'm writing this post mostly for myself and I'm sure it will be rambling, so if you read it thanks, but if not, I understand. I need to talk to somebody, and I hope typing it here will help at least a little of the anxiety I'm feeling about talking about it to my wife.
I've been using online slot machines for a few years now. It used to be just fun. I'd play a little bit every paycheck. It never felt like an issue. I could afford to throw $50 a couple of times a month without risking anything. After a while I started doing more without even thinking about it. Figured another $50 isn't going to hurt anything. Then I did what probably happens to a lot of people. I hit a spin and I felt like if I could do it once, I could do it again. Soon I'm spending money chasing that high and then spending money trying to make the money back that I spent chasing that high. Now I've got payday loans that take up most of my paycheck every pay. I have to pay them back and then take them right back out to have money to live. I have to figure out ways to pay my bills every month. So far I haven't lost anything but money and my spirit, but I'm not far from it. I know I need to stop, but even today I have played the slots thinking if I can just win one more time, I can take care of some of these loans and stop. Of course, I didn't win. I don't even like doing it. The fun went away a long time ago.
This has affected my mood, my relationship, and my job. I'm pretty much sad all the time and just try to mask it. I know I just need to talk to my wife and get things started. I know she loves me, but I also know this is going to hurt her and I hate that so much. I just hate my life right now and I feel like I'm ruining hers.
If you read this, I thank you. I'm just hoping putting it out there will give me the courage to take the first step to getting help.