My (33F) partner (41M) escalated sexually without clear consent again, and I’m struggling with whether ending the relationship is the right response
TW: sexual consent / unwanted penetration.
A couple of nights ago, I 33F had a sexual/consent-related incident with my partner 41M that has left me feeling shaken and unsafe. For added context we've been together for just a little over a year.
Earlier in the day, I had told him that I had a bruise/cut around my va#g##na and that I was hurting and had some bleeding due to sexual activities with him. Later that night, I took off my clothes and was being playful/teasing with him. I told him I wanted to go take a shower. I was not trying to initiate penetrative sex, and I did not ask for penetration.
He interpreted the situation as sexual and got behind/on top of me and penetrated me. In the moment, I felt overwhelmed and confused. I remember asking him something like, "What are you doing?" and I also physically adjusted myself because it was painful and I was trying to reduce the pain.
Afterwards, we talked about it, and he has repeatedly said that he got mixed signals and that I should have said "no" more clearly. He says that because I didn’t clearly say no, he misunderstood. He also said he spoke to a couple of people who agreed that I should have been clearer.
My issue is that I never clearly said yes either. I did not consent to penetration. I had already told him I was bruised/cut and hurting. I had said I wanted to shower. I was playful, but I don’t think being naked or teasing should automatically mean consent to penetrative sex.
The part that is making this even harder is that this is not the first time. This is the third time we have had a situation where he escalated sexually without clear consent from me, and each time afterwards the conversation somehow becomes about my failure to communicate clearly enough, rather than him acting without a clear yes.
I’m not saying I communicated perfectly. I understand that sexual situations can be messy and that people can misread each other. But I feel like in a caring relationship, especially with the context that I was physically hurt, he should have been more thoughtful and checked in with me regarding penetration.
I now feel sexually and emotionally unsafe in the relationship. I am considering ending it, not just because of this one incident, but because of the repeated pattern and the way he keeps framing it afterwards.
I guess I’m asking:
Is it reasonable to end a relationship over this pattern?
How would you interpret this situation?
Please be honest, as in trying to get a better understanding of what might be happening here.