a bit of a dark confession and note
so, I’m just in the trenches a bit right now, and I’ve found myself every now and then (every few weeks, for years on end, but this year, even more so), in these deep awful feelings of idolizing suicide and just feeling alone type shit and cruddy about myself, and cruddy about the world.
this time around, I’m getting older, and I’m trying to find out what would make me be able to release some of this without having to open up with anyone at all.
an idea came up.
for context, I’m not old enough to drink or smoke legally, so I refuse to do it until I’m able to do it legally, probably because I have the notion in my head I’d get addicted quickly and just crutch on the bad habit to go towards the deep end.
This is stupid, I know.
well, I turn 21 next January. And I’m very obviously a novice with life and alcohol and smoking, so my plan has got plenty of holes.
but, even though the plan is really ducked up, I can’t stop thinking about it. I had to write it down in a notes app to get it out there, and hopefully realize how crazy it is but now I’m just with the mindset that I have like a year to fine tune it and make it happen.
but I am really clinging to the idea that I can get this off my chest online, since I know how stupid it is, yet I still really am considering it and I guess I just want to share it and hope someone can give good advice to screw my head right.
let it be known, I would never ever have the gall to end my life because it would affect too many people, and I definitely wouldn’t do it in a hotel… that’s wrong on so many levels, like the poor hotel staff wouldn’t need that, just to clarify.
Anyhow, here’s the note:
“
i am going to regret writing this because it is very cringey to be indulging, idolizing, and fantasizing about this.
but, i just gotta write it down.
five thousand dollars.
i want to save five thousand dollars to book a penthouse in (redacted), that one really super tall building, and i can be at the very top, alone, in a penthouse space, looking out at the ocean since they have oceanfront views.
i would pack one suitcase, for two nights. leave on Sunday to check in at 4PM, then, spend the night losing my mind, then spending the next day recovering.
the suitcase, will have two of my best pajama sets, one change of clothes for me to lose my mind in (probably just comfortable shorts and a black tank top with long socks), i should show up in a yellow dress, then have a basic jeans and shirt outfit for when i go out for food.
i will buy a gun, a handgun, a small one, maybe a P365 micro or G43x, that will be in the suitcase, then, one bottle of vodka, one bottle of whiskey, one bottle of tequila, and one bottle of red wine. additionally, packs of cigarettes: one Marlboro southern cut, one Marlboro red, camel wide red pack).
plus, all the hair products, face soap n lotion, makeup bag, undergarments, charger, purse, and that’s it!
I’m open and really wanting to get a pet goldfish just for my time in the hotel (it’ll hold me responsible to not do anything stupid since I’ll have that little thing in the room with me, so just that being there is a reminder to not go off the deep end) then I’ll probably leave it there with $200 and a note for someone to take care of it and take it off my hands.
the caveat of this plan: The price. Getting the gun. Getting away with smoking in the penthouse. Getting the goldfish there, comfortably and safely, and sneaking in a decent tank size. Maybe get two goldfish so it’s not alone?
the idolization part;
I want to have either my AirPods or a light speaker to play music, drink, try smoking with chopsticks then quickly putting it out in the bathroom, maybe take a bath while smoking and or drinking.
sit on the counter of the bathroom and point the gun to my head and just stare. and just sink, sink and sit in my awful feelings.
then, just recover, buy some food, eat it, and go to sleep. maybe watch a Matthew McConaughey or the Project Hail Mary movie.
recover the whole next day, eat some delicious food and clean up. “