u/JoeVsTheJedi

Overheard my roommates while we were waiting for our pizza to be delivered. I was actually recording a voice note for my friend when this conversation happened in the background...

Roommate 1: Bro, ask my girlfriend. I'm being dead fucking serious. We did a whole reenactment of your night with toothpaste girl.

Roommate 2: Please don't call her toothpaste girl. You know her fucking name bro.

Roommate 1: My girlfriend was wearing underwear and a top. That's all. Just like toothpaste girl.

Roommate 2: Fuck you.

Roommate 1: I was wearing boxers and a SpongeBob t-shirt.

Roommate 2: Did you take my SpongeBob t-shirt out of the fucking laundry?

Roommate 1: Yes. For science.

Roommate 2: Duuuude, that's so gross, even for you.

Roommate 1: My girlfriend "accidentally" got toothpaste on her panties, so naturally she had no other choice but to get into my bed without wearing anything to cover the bottom half of her body.

Roommate 2: The toothpaste thing didn't actually happen. I told you.

Roommate 1: But you didn't know that at the time though.

Roommate 2: Okay. So I take it you were me in this situation.

Roommate 1: Yes. And guess what? Just like you, I didn't fuck toothpaste girl.

Roommate 2: You expect me to believe you didn't touch your girlfriend?

Roommate 1: You did nothing, so I did nothing, and you know what, it was fucking hard bro. I actually don't know how you did it. I had a boner, not gonna lie, which means you must have had one too. Right?

Roommate 2: No comment.

Roommate 1: Boring. By the way, my girlfriend's underwear smells like fresh breath now.

Roommate 2: And my SpongeBob t-shirt probably smells like you now.

Roommate 1: That's the smell of missed opportunity.

I stayed up a little later last night to listen to my roommates talk shit while smoking weed.

Roommate 1: You're focusing too much on the whole femboy thing. It's not that deep bro.

Roommate 2: I don't want her to see me as a girl though.

Roommate 1: I don't think she does. Don't worry. I think she still sees you as a guy, but she's low key appreciating your softer features more because it applies to what she usually finds attractive about girls.

Roommate 2: My softer features? Fuck you.

Roommate 1: At least she's not calling you a fuck boy.

Roommate 2: Nah that's your department buddy.

Roommate 1: For the record, I would rather be a femboy than a fuck boy.

Roommate 2: That sounds like the cannabis in your system. I think it's time for bed.

I overheard my roommates again.

Roommate 1: Did you manage to talk to your friend about the whole climbing into your bed naked thing?

Roommate 2: It came up.

Roommate 1: Who initiated the conversation?

Roommate 2: I did.

Roommate 1: Okay. So far so good.

Roommate 2: I apologised for not offering her a pair of boxers to wear when she said she stained her underwear with toothpaste.

Roommate 1: Did you ask her how that happened? Did she use a fucking death grip to squeeze out the toothpaste or did she brush her teeth while sitting down or some shit?

Roommate 2: It didn't happen. Well, she did brush her teeth. But she was standing like a normal person. No mess was made. She said she removed her underwear because she thought I wanted one thing to lead to another, but then nothing happened.

Roommate 1: Wait... she was following YOUR lead?

Roommate 2: According to her, yeah. When I offered to share my bed with her, she was under the impression that I wanted us to do more than literally sleep together.

Roommate 1: Bruh.

Roommate 2: I said I thought she liked girls. She laughed and said I was "unintentionally giving femboy" so it was still somewhere in the same ballpark from her POV.

Roommate 1: Femboy? Okay. Yeah. I can see it. So I was right? She did want to fuck?

Roommate 2: Yeah.

Roommate 1: I rest my case bro. What does this mean for you going forward?

Roommate 2: I don't know. It's a lot to process. I asked her to give me time to figure out how I feel. She said okay.

Roommate 1: We need weed.

I overheard my roommates in the kitchen.

Roommate 1: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you clearly over the blender, but did you just say you were in bed with a naked girl last night and you did not, I repeat, DID NOT fuck.

Roommate 2: She wasn't completely naked. She had her top on.

Roommate 1: A top. That's all?

Roommate 2: And socks.

Roommate 1: And what? You did NOTHING?

Roommate 2: We're just friends, bro. She got toothpaste on her underwear, so she took it off. Friends can sleep together without it being sexual.

Roommate 1: She had her bare ass in your bed! How is that not sexual??? Dude, please tell me you're trolling me right now because I'm this fucking close to shoving your balls in this blender and making a cockblock smoothie.

Roommate 2: Not all of us think with our dicks, bro. She felt safe enough to be exposed around me because she knew I would respect her boundaries and our friendship.

Roommate 1: That's cute. You're a gentleman. Love that for you, bro. That's the right attitude to have most of the time. Last night, however, was not one of those times. When your hot fucking friend took off her underwear and climbed into bed with you... she didn't want you as a friend or a gentleman. She wanted someome to fuck.

Roommate 2: That's your opinion. You don't know her like I do.

Roommate 1: You obviously don't know her as well as you think you do, bro. If you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation because you would've been balls deep in your friend's vagina and I wouldn't be on the verge of an aneurysm due to your self inflicted cockblockery.