Codependency + choosing partners who need me
So, in addition to being a fearful avoidant attacher (for anyone who is into attachment theory), I am a pretty raging codependent. On top of that, I seem to have this unconscious attraction towards people who need me, who I can rescue. My understanding is that this is common in people who feel that nobody would actually just choose them as a partner freely; there has to be some service I can provide or some way I can be a hero.
The trouble is, when those relationships don’t work out, breaking up feels like I’m being asked to saw my own head off. Each time, because of the “one-down” position of my partners where I’m the hyperfunctional rescuer and they’re the rescuee, I feel absolutely cruel when I consider breaking up with them. There’s this voice internally that scolds me for making them need me and then abandoning them. And sometimes it doesn’t always fully make sense.
For instance, my ex husband came over here on a marriage visa. At the time, he had no money, he was in a bizarre roommate situation with some kooky old dude, his upbringing was chaotic and abusive — all stuff that engaged my rescuer mode. So we got married, he moved over here, and over the years he built a good business and made plenty of money. But my mind still thought of him as someone I’d rescued, who I felt responsible for, so when things went downhill and we ended up wanting different things, I knew we needed to split up but I agonized over it for 5 years before we finally did break up. He was perfectly capable of finding a new place, moving elsewhere, moving back to his home country, all that. But it felt like ironclad fact to me that I couldn’t break up with him because he came over here for me and I’d be abandoning him and that would make me a terrible person.
Cut to now, I’m in a relationship with someone who truly is dependent on me — he was recently diagnosed autistic in adulthood, which makes his inability to do all but a few very specific jobs make more sense but it doesn’t make those jobs forthcoming, he contributes domestically but I make all the money, and if I were to break up with him, he’d very possibly be homeless. He has no relationship with his family, all of his friends are also struggling and aren’t very communicative lately… like he has no support system but me. So the idea of breaking up with him emotionally feels like I’m literally throwing someone I care about out with nowhere to go.
What is my responsibility here? Because it feels like it’s to not ruin his life and leave him without some place to go, on top of having been broken up with. I feel like every time I think about it, I just start catastrophizing and I can’t get any decent insight on what to do. My attachment issues make it all the worse, because even when I don’t necessarily want to break up in the moment, the idea of being unable to scares me, I end up feeling very keenly like I’m trapped. I don’t want to be the bad guy or leave them in a bad position, but I don’t want to feel obligated to stay in a relationship that isn’t working.