u/JohnsJustSaiyan

I 32M am dating a 26F with PMDD and Autism. I've been doing research into PMDD for the better part of a week now, and I'm starting to get scared about how my partner acts when she's under PMDD, and if I'm just supossed to accept the behavior and give her space to just get it out and be that way, or if I'm getting abused at the end of the day and I need to leave. My girl is avoidant by nature, so she can be a lil distant and cold almost everyday because she gets overwhelmed by something and then just shuts down and has to take all day to regulate and be a person again. ESPECIALLY when it comes to me asking for reassurance due to her avoidance triggering me or making me feel uncomfy. When the first time her PMDD hit while I was with her, her behavior switched up into this cold wall of a person and I just wasn't ready for that. She won't touch me, can barely look at me, doesn't say I love you, doesn't want to talk a whole lot. Doesn't want to cuddle. And when I ask for reassurance that we are okay, she gets mad at me for not “ just being secure “ and she has been getting progressively more mad and upset at me for asking for reassurance when she's under PMDD. Questions like “ are we okay? “ are almost argument starters. It feels like I'm cutting our love cord with a knife every time I ask for reassurance. Is that normal with PMDD??

With how cold and distant she is for at least 2 1/2 weeks out of the month, and her avoidance, I feel like it's totally normal for me to be left questioning and wondering if she still wants to be with me and wants me as a person. And it's totally okay for me to ask for reassurance. At this point, it almost feels like I'm being neglected and abused and just am being made to feel like I'm a horrible person for being anxious about us and our relationship and having questions/ doubts. The mounting stress from her not being available most days of the week due to her avoidance and shutdowns, and with how extreme her PMDD is and how she just checks out of being a partner in general and is seemingly getting more angry at me during those 5 days, it feels like it's effecting our relationship as a whole and is making it really hard for me to want to hold space for her and be there for here when the PMDD passes. It’s to the point that this last time she straight up told me she doesn't know if she loves me and wants to break up me because I was asking for some reassurance and it made her feel pressured. I was crying because she just told me she doesn't love me and she's getting mad at me for asking her to hold me or look me in the eyes? I just… And she's been so mad at me for asking for reassurance about us since then. Even though she hasn't really done anything to repair that kind of damage, like almost nothing. She just expects me to get over it the next day and be secure after she told me she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be together… but then texted me the next day that she was just going through an episode?

Is this normal? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I love this woman is much, she is my stars and my sky. Im trying so hard to stay by her side because I really am confident we can figure this out and I want to learn how to be here for her. I've been doing so much research, I just don't know if I'm supposed to back off from asking for reassurance in general? But this doesn't feel right and I'm so lost and confused. I need advice from people who have partners with PMDD and need advice on how to weather the storm so to speak. Bonus points if you got a partner with PMDD, avoidance attachment, and Autism :)