u/Jolly_Opportunity875

Ok this is going to be long-winded, so please bear with me. I want to talk about my experience in case it helps even just one person. I feel like we have to be EXTRA careful who we tell about our diagnosis to because it can be used against us.

Before I met my ex, I had very mild PMDD. My biggest symptoms that concerned me were mostly fatigue, mild joint paint, insomnia, and severe cravings, which led to binge eating. I had never had severe panic attacks, rage, or constant emotional instability. I also genuinely preferred being single at the time and wasn’t looking. My ex was very persistent however, and people around me told me he was “such a nice guy” and that I should give him a chance. My gut tried to warn me from the very beginning, but I brushed it off because he seemed like “such a nice guy” so I couldn’t figure out why my gut was going off. At first he seemed extremely empathetic, even telling me that he researched PMDD for me and that it wouldn’t be a problem for him. He’d love me despite all my issues! Still, I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship. Anyway, after a lot of guilt-tripping (he convinced me into believing that I was pushing away such a nice guy because of my other traumas) I was like oh hell why not, I’ll give it a chance, what have I got to lose (apparently nearly my life, but I didn’t know that back then)!

I was very upfront about my dealbreakers and triggers from the very start. I emphasized the importance of trust and that it was the most important thing for me, especially in a relationship. I also told him that I take promises very seriously. Anyway, almost immediately after making his promises, he broke my trust (and I didn’t find out until after we got married lol fml). When I had an anxiety attack after the breach of trust and wanted to end the relationship (because the trust was gone), he pulled out the calendar with tears in his eyes and pointed to where I was in my cycle. And that was the beginning of everything becoming about my hormones…

Over time, I noticed a very disturbing pattern: I’d clearly explain what exactly hurt me and he’d later do those exact things. By “accident” of course! When I’d call him out on it he would cry profusely and beg, and I’d end up feeling like the bad guy, comforting and apologizing to him instead. He’d also point out where I was in my cycle when I would try to break up with him (because I genuinely did not want to be with him anymore). Anytime I brought up something he did that hurt me and why I could not be with him anymore, he pointed the finger at PMDD, my hormones, my trauma, my communication style, my attachment issues, me not being forgiving enough, me being resentful, etc., but never ANY of his actions. He’d say things like, “you’re making me out to be the bad guy so it’s easier for you to leave.” He also did everything in this very subtle way, so the red flags weren’t obvious to me. I also wasn’t educated on psychological or emotional abuse, particularly hidden abuse. Eventually I noticed (by writing things down and the dates) that he claimed I was coo coo before my period, during my period, after my period, before ovulation, during ovulation, and after ovulation! So I was apparently off my rocker 24/7. Also, my health was rapidly declining during this period (gee, I wonder why!).

Eventually I couldn’t even drive myself anywhere and was having severe out of body panic attacks like never before (didn’t matter where I was in my cycle). Not to mention the period pains became HORRENDOUS. The worst period pain I had ever experienced in my life! I was always blaming myself and PMDD since he always made himself seem as the nice, caring partner trying to “help” me, while making me feel like my PMDD was the real problem instead of the repeated sick ways he was hurting me. It’s really hard to put into words but I then became obsessed with fixing myself. I researched communication, attachment styles, ROCD, emotional regulation, forgiveness, trauma responses, managing PMDD, nearly EVERYTHING! I spent hours upon hours reading articles and books to become a better person. I hated myself for not being able to trust someone who repeatedly broke my trust and continuously hurt me in ways I never thought possible (I know, I know). I also genuinely believed I was becoming like how he described his exes. He claimed that his exes became abusive (but refused to give me details) out of nowhere while making it seem like he was nothing but a nice guy to them. Something broke in me the day I nearly *dipped out of life* and I sought help from multiple therapists and friends who told me I was being abused and manipulated. I told them everything from the beginning, even defending him when they kept repeatedly telling me that I was being abused by him. I was in denial thinking that I was the abuser and was determined to find ways to not be abusive. Looking back, it doesn’t make sense now because all my life people have used words like kind, sweet, empathetic, and gentle to describe me (except for the men that I rejected who couldn’t take no for an answer 😅). I do try my best to be those things. But there I was, thinking I was this horrific abuser to this wonderful nice guy. I didn’t believe I deserved to live anymore.

The story is much longer than this but I just wanted to warn everyone that manipulative people can absolutely weaponize your PMDD (or other things) to make you doubt your own reality. Writing things down was one of the things that saved me. Covert abusers can subtly manipulative you in a way where you’re left with a feeling that something is very wrong, but you don’t have the language to describe what’s happening. If I hadn’t talked to the therapists or my friends, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. I am beyond grateful for them. And please don’t automatically assume you are the abusive one just because you have PMDD. It was only when I learned more about gaslighting, DARVO, covert abuse, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, and reactive abuse that things started to make sense. Outside of the relationship, I was never the way I was with him. Not even with my first ex (he wasn’t abusive). There’s actually so much more to this sick story but I’ve already written an essay. My PMDD is now much worse than how it was before I met him, but it’s SO much better than when I was with him. I can now drive again and I haven’t had those out of body panic attacks since.

TLDR: It might not be your PMDD but your relationship or the people you’re surrounded by.