u/JordynPhoniex

It’s a good thing people can’t see the thoughts and fears running through my head.

It’s horrible but I am jealous of so many people and disappointed on how my journey has gone.

As much as I am happy for others it cripples me when I see a beautiful transgender person living there life.
I often wonder what I did in my past to make me be punished, and not let me find happiness.

I get told it’s a marathon.. that things take time.. but 5 years in I am no further ahead then I wise.. the only difference is no facial hair and long hair.

I work to hide, I work to deflect, it’s a horrible coping method but it keeps me numb.

I am lost, there is no help and no one that can help me find me..

My only goal in life is to keep my daughter happy and hide how bad I am hurting and hope she doesn’t see me crying.

I don’t even know how to start this, but I don’t know how to keep carrying this alone anymore.

I think this is the most lost, hurt, and broken I have ever felt in my life. When I came out as transgender in 2021, I truly believed that even though it would be hard, it would ultimately be a step toward living honestly and finally feeling like myself. I knew there would be challenges and pain along the way, but I never imagined that by 2026 I would be forced back into hiding just to feel safe.

Over the last eight months, my life has become something I barely recognize. I’ve been physically assaulted twice. I’ve been verbally attacked, degraded, and torn down by people I thought loved me and supported me. My truck has been egged twice. I live with this constant fear and hyper‑vigilance, always wondering if I’m being watched, judged, or targeted again. It feels like no place is truly safe anymore.

I don’t know how to move forward from this. I don’t know what the right next step is. I feel like I’ve been stripped of any sense of stability or hope. Out of fear and exhaustion, I’ve purged all of my female items. I haven’t taken my HRT in the last two weeks. Doing that feels like I’m erasing myself just to survive, and that realization makes me feel sick and ashamed and unbearably sad all at once.

I hate this. I hate that living as myself has come to mean danger and loss. I hate that I’m questioning everything I fought so hard to accept about myself. I feel like I’m grieving a version of me that I don’t know if I’m allowed to be anymore, and I don’t know how to reconcile that.

I’m writing this because I don’t know what else to do. I need help. I need understanding. I need someone to know how bad things really are, because pretending I’m okay is destroying me from the inside. I don’t have answers, and I don’t have a plan—I just know I can’t keep holding this in silence.

Thank you for reading this. Even putting these words down feels terrifying, but I needed to be honest about where I am right now.