Hey there
So I am AMAB. I’m 21 years old.
I recently have begun seriously questioning my gender and if I might potentially be MtF. Before I started seriously questioning my gender, it was always a bit of a fantasy. Not quite sure how to put it.
So I have been consuming Sissy and Trans Porn for the past six years. I’m not quite sure what it was that got me into it at first. I also know there is a misogynistic view, hence being the reason I have distanced myself from it. The reason I put this in this text is that I feel a strong attraction towards the depicted trans women. But not in a sense of “omg i rly want to have sex with her”, it’s more of a “I wish I could be her”.
I feel like it’s difficult to define my feelings regarding this subject. I don’t feel any specific gender dysphoria. I would never consider myself to be transphobic, I am however worried that there is some underlying/ subconscious transphobic feeling I carry with myself.
So to get back on track, I have recently felt a much stronger feeling towards this community and I have also been actively educating myself on it.
The reason this has come up now more than ever before is that I was in a bad relationship and felt I couldn’t be myself. So we split and I have now recently been finding myself a lot more.
In the past, I have also envied social media profiles of women. It’s socially accepted to be “cute” and “aesthetic”, which is not the case for AMAB in the same sense.
The same goes for clothing and jewellery options; it feels like women have a broader width of clothes and jewellery to choose from and some of the stuff is beautiful.
I also remember being about 8 or 9 years old and thinking how good it would feel to be a woman. But as that is such a long time ago, I’m not sure if this would be considered in questioning or not. What’s also happened to me is that I’ve had the “button” thought process before I even knew it was a thing. To which I also know I probably would press it.
The primary reason I’m writing this is that I’m scared that this is all a kink or a fantasy. I’ve been self-educating myself with Dr. Z videos specifically regarding sexuality, gender, and social norms and constructs. But it’s every time I get slightly aroused that my thought process of being trans gets exponentially exacerbated.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t feel any shame, disgust, or other negative feelings; when thinking of having just slightly wider hips, softer skin, and breasts, it causes some sort of positive feeling(I don’t know what I would label that feeling).
I am lucky to be living in Switzerland, a country that has great options for transgender people. I know my family would support me no matter what I do and what I feel. I’m not sure what my friends would say, and I’m not sure if that thought is blocking any of my questioning. Most of Switzerland topically leans to the right on the political spectrum. So im not sure if that is also blocking my thought process in any way, shape, or form.
But the questioning has gotten easier and a lot more acceptable to myself since working and hopefully soon moving to Zürich, as it is a city defined by diversity.
I would love any inputs, opinions, or questions!
Thank you in advance for reading:)