Hi all,
I went no contact with my mum 2.5 years ago, after being low contact for most of my adult life and eventually realising that still wasn’t enough.
I still struggle with guilt.
What’s confusing is that my life is actually going really well. Years of therapy are starting to pay off and I feel more present, less dissociated, and more like myself than I ever have. But it’s when I feel my best that these thoughts creep in:
“You should contact her. She might be sad, in pain, or missing you. That’s your fault. You need to fix it.”
I recognise that this comes from the conditioning I grew up with - this idea that I’m responsible for her feelings. And I know that, to her, me going no contact is probably the worst thing I could have done.
So I try to correct the guilt by replaying it with all the painful memories, to prove to myself that I made the right decision. Which then leaves me stuck in this exhausting back-and-forth:
“She was awful” vs. “Maybe she wasn’t that bad and I should reach out to her.”
It’s like I can’t fully settle in either direction, and it’s draining.
Can anyone relate to this? And if so, have you found anything that helps with the guilt or the mental back-and-forth?
Thanks