This subreddit has been both the bane of my existence, and a lifeline. So much of my time has been spent on this page, asking all kinds of questions I didn't have the answer to (not that anyone else did, nor does even now), and hoping - just HOPING - I would recover. As much as part of me wishes never to see this subreddit again, I know that having been there and done it, I owe it to myself as I was at my lowest to give back (even a little bit) to the community that helped me, even marginally so.
I'll be honest: I'm not sure how many day, weeks, months or however long into this "recovery" I am. But one thing's for sure, and that's I eat when I'm hungry, I eat what I have or what I want, whether cooked or bought, and the thoughts don't surface. The "is this too much?" or anything about the item's corresponding, arbitrary numbers. And fucking hell, I'll tell you guys one thing for sure, and that's how incredible that feels. Life in general.
I can sit with my friends at an evening-lit table, laughing and chattering away like the night will never end. I don't care if I find myself reaching for another crisp or seven, another helping of the feta-strewn salad, or a refill of orange juice when my friend offers it. I can feel my brain working as I read academic bodies and fiction books alike, which (amongst other mediums) allow me to understand that the way we think and feel about our bodies, and what we've been told to think and feel about our bodies, are constructs of cis, white, heterosexual men of upper-class, European origin. That what matters is not a number (side note: DITCH THE SCALES!! Throw them into the skip outside of your university halls, like I did (lol)), but my ability to soak up every second of this life. WE ONLY GET ONE. That's SO scary when you realise the way you're spending your life, looking inward at your very much constructed and self-sabotaging "flaws", instead of helping, one, yourself, and two, the people and world around you who need strong, compassionate, and individual people. No two people are alike - use it for your benefit, and don't let ANYONE tell you to be anything other than yourself. Be political, be individual, and believe. In. Your. Fucking. SELF.
I won't type and wax poetical about the experience of disordered eating without telling you that yes, it's hard. It's the hardest thing that you - until your head leaves the sand - will experience. But believe you me, that when you do (because you WILL, and you'll do it for yourself, and for those who need your intelligence, compassion, and strength), the veil will lift. You are, indeed and simply so, beautiful. Perfect in your own right. Your body moves, dances, lives and breathes. You have free will to be you, and perhaps that's the freest any one of us will truly be :)