I feel invisible.
I am 16M. For my whole life I've felt like I am just not important enough for people to notice me. I was always well-known among my peers but not popular. I had 1 friend. If he didn't come to school, I'd just sit alone because everytime I tried to make new friends it didn't end well. I was ignored, laughed at, or simply I was never anyone's top choice. When i was part of a bigger group of people (like 5-10 people) on walks or parties, I was always left out. Nobody would talk to me. I just sat there staring at a wall while everyone had fun with each other. Sometimes I tried to join the fun, but nobody would join me. With time, I just stopped attending such events. I feel like I am a stand-up comedian and the audience is just talking to each other. Besides the more general, when it comes to girls, things are even worse. I've never had the chance to even tell a girl exactly how I feel about her. Sometimes my friend talks about his 5th or 15th breakup (I've lost the count) while I wonder how holding a girl's hand feels like... It's not only that no one likes me. It's that I've never had the chance to tell anyone I like them. I've always tried. Always my words are cut short by a rejection. Everyday, no matter how good it was, I always return to my bed knowing I'm alone. Knowing that I think about that girl, fantasizing about my dream life with her, all day long, while she doesn't think about me even when I am in front of her. It's not that no girl thinks enough of me. It's that I simply don't exist in their brain. In anyone's brain. Maybe I'm just not real. Or maybe I'm simply weird or a freak. I know for a fact that I'm not ugly. (Beauty is indeed personal preference but I am not ugly, neither overweight nor a ton of pimples on my face). I smell good, I make my hair, I try with all my power to be polite and make people happy but it's not working. Basically, whenever I am outside my house, I perform. I present to be somebody that people would accept. I pretend to be somebody that would fit. I pretend to be normal when deep down I know that I'm not. (That's not necessarily bad). Sometimes performing gives me some tiny attention. Not fulfilling anything. When I am myself I get a huge 0. 0% out of universe's attention. But, you know, pretending consumes energy and my soul. I'm tired of pretending. I want to be me. I like who I am. And, I think that I don't deserve being left out of everything. Or maybe I do. Sorry for the paragraph. I don't know if anyone will be able to understand any of this because my English is not very good. And please, I don't need comments like "you're not alone" or "you are loved". I know that I am 100% alone.