Previously diagnosed bipolar type 2 who had been managing my symptoms really well after finding a psychiatrist I trust who has made sure I’m on the right medications that work for me. Definitely had wrecked and rebuilt my life multiple times during hypomanic episodes and hurt the trust of those I love the most.
I was finally stable and it felt like I had my mental illness under control, and then a month ago I started having auditory hallucinations (music and birds chirping, have had these same hallucinations since I was a teenager), seeing shadows and dark figures at the corners of my vision, and intense paranoia that everyone in the office was constantly talking about me and looking at me.
After a few weeks feeling freaked out I made an appointment with my psychiatrist because I was confused that I wasn’t hypomanic or depressed but having these symptoms. It’s annoying trying to get work done when you’re otherwise stable but hearing ice cream truck music looping over and over and over and over again. She asked if I had ever experienced delusions (not when hypomanic)and I said I wasn’t sure. We adjusted my medicine and she told me to read up into schizoaffective disorder.
Read up on schizoaffective disorder and common delusions and started crying because it finally made sense why I would have periods where I avoided physical contact because I was certain they could hear my thoughts if they touched me. I was never self-aware enough to connect those periods with the times I had hallucinations until now and never even thought to mention it to a psychiatrist.
Told my psychiatrist about this and we talked through more of my experiences and she diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder.
I know the medications are the same and nothing actually changes except adjusting my meds currently to stop the hallucinations but I feel like I finally have put the pieces together about my life.
I know I don’t have hallucinations as bad as some of y’all but I finally feel seen and I know why I experience the things I do. I feel like this was the piece I was missing to finally accept that I have a serious mental illness that will require medication my whole life, and that I can still have a happy and successful life as long as I take care of my health and work with my psychiatrist. I’m finally on medications that work so well for me that I feel like my life is in my control again. I used to feel such immense shame at struggling with my mental illness, but I’m finally at a point in my life that I can accept it and treat it like any other chronic health condition.