I [28F] have a British boyfriend [26M] who teases me and calls it “banter”
UPDATE: I broke up with him… I told him this was a boundary that I wasn’t going to budge on. That I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t going to respect my emotional wellbeing and that if I was too sensitive then it looks like he dodged a bullet. I’m super heartbroken and sad. I don’t know why he couldn’t just agree to try not to make those insensitive remarks to me but I know I don’t want to be in a relationship where I tell my partner I am hurt and I have to go 12+ hours ignoring them cause they want to tell me I am the problem and stand firmly on it..
Hello. I am posting cause I constantly have this issue and it seems that I can’t find a way to resolve it or communicate my issue properly.
My boyfriend is British and says “banter” is British culture.
From my viewpoint what he is doing is direct or back handed insults that genuinely hurt my feelings.
There has been lots of instances about this in the past and just today another thing came up and I tried speak up about it.
As we are listening to a Spotify Jam together he says “Wait your voice sounds really good singing that song”. This comment in my eyes is a back ended compliment cause as soon as he says it, it flashes me back to multiple times over our relationship where he has told me my singing is bad.
I decided to let him know that in the past when he has made so many comments about my bad singing that it hurts my feelings. That I was in choir for over 6 years and even had family members tell me I “missed my calling” in life. When I said that he laughs and said “wow they really said you missed your calling?” And then he says. Well did I tell you in person your singing was bad? “Maybe it’s just the phone that makes it sound bad”
I tell him that him going out of his way multiple times to call my singing bad has hurt my feelings. He then tells me that in British culture this is banter and that Americans are sensitive. Now that makes me feel as if he is telling me that I am too sensitive and can’t take a joke.
He said he would not be changing his culture and I am unfair to ask him to do so to shield my feelings.
I want to say that I in no way expect someone to like my singing. I also think it’s rude and mean to look at someone and say “your singing is bad” or “you are not good at singing you need to stop” when they are just enjoying themselves over music.
He has “jokes/banter” about other things over time and to me it feels like a poor form of bullying in an attempt to flirt and I just do not like when someone is mean to me even if they are trying to “flirt” I told him this when we met and he just has always said it’s “banter”
Please let me know how I could go about this better.