Worried that this is it
Posting this on my throwaway but I’ve just been very sad for a long time. I hesitate even posting this because I feel like when I talk people just don’t care so I don’t know if anyone’s really going to respond. I feel very alone in life and I’m just worried it’s always going to be like this so there’s no point in continuing. I don’t know if I can for much longer. I’m almost 26 now and I just feel so tired, I’ve been mentally ill and autistic my whole life and I’m just hard to be around. People say they’re always going to be there for me but then they’re not, it’s just empty promises. Then if I finally do go through with it they’ll say there was no signs or they never knew when I express being depressed all the time. So I don’t have friends really, except one who’s not very good to me. Maybe I’m insane but I thought if your “friend” has depression and a history of self-harm and suicidal thoughts you’d check in on them, not just ignore their messages and send unrelated TikToks. It’s like I don’t even exist.
I don’t have a lot of family I talk to either besides my mother and grandmother, they’re the only people I’d feel bad about leaving. It’s bad but I thought to myself, when they die, I’ll finally be able to let go without feeling guilt. I used to imagine that one day I’d have my own partner and family and find my “people” who love me but I think that’s all fake now. I think it’s made up for movies, especially like the idea of “found family.” Friends say they’ll always be there but then they’re not and I guess they move on with starting their own family and leave you behind. I can’t imagine anyone putting up with me enough to want to date me either. I know my mental illnesses and autism make me hard to be around and socialise with, that’s why I don’t have anyone. People don’t want to ask about how I am, I guess because it’s a downer for them. Yet when they need advice, they use me as a free therapist. I used to help because I felt bad and thought they’d do the same in return but I’d probably just leave them on read now knowing what I do. I feel like for them to care I have to do something drastic like hurt myself.
Yeah I used to hold onto the idea that I could have my own partner and kid(s) who love me and this whole new life where I start over fresh and none of this current life would matter anymore. I mean one day when I got better. That kept me going for a long time but more and more I start to feel like happy families don’t exist in real life and it’s something made up for kids’ movies and sitcoms, it’s all pointless. I’ll always be like this. My family isn’t happy or close and that’s the only point of reference I have because I don’t know anyone else. So I’m going to be alone my whole life? I’ve heard the average life expectancy for people with autism and the level of support I require is 50s and honestly I understand that because I worry this is just it and I’ll always be alone. And people just expect me to be okay with it like humans aren’t a social species.
At the same time it’s like I don’t even want to TRY to connect with other people because I just don’t have the mental energy for that anymore and it always ends the same way, even when people promise this time it’ll be different. I talk a bit to people on here but it’s always just a fleeting surface level interaction, nothing more than that.
Is this just how life is and will always be? What’s even the point of living then?