Lack of curiosity
I have noticed that in my life I’ve never been curious in the way my peers were. Lately, this conclusion led me to extreme sadness and frustration because I learned that a lack of curiosity is associated with a lack of general intelligence. I don’t have any interest in learning about the world or collecting information, unless it’s strictly useful to me or my temporary obsessions hit me. Only lately I developed some sort of curiosity, but a passive curiosity since I read random information from my instagram feed (I follow several informative pages) but I don’t feel I should go deep, it’s like I am satisfied of know something just to the surface. I can go very deep only if I have someone to confront with and so if I am (according to my mind) challenged. Every time I face something I might be interested in, I feel a sense of temporary euphoria then vanishing, that come back sometimes in my life. For example, at 15 I started questioning my mental health after a depressive episode, but after 2 years I ignored it until my recent collapse. It's like I'm being pushed by the current, and this is the way it works with everything, I do something or research about something only in “urgent” situations. I also noticed that I can’t produce some sort of complexity in my environment. I see my peers having their rooms rich of items and stories about them, I see them doing many things that I couldn’t think to do. Based on their rich print on their environment I can assume that it is an expression of their emotions, something I don’t experience (apart from rage, sadness, and happiness peaks, the rest of the time there’s void). Even their outfits are rich in details and they seem so open, fearless of the world. I would like to be this capable of externalize my inner world so boldly and consistently. Maybe my brain is naturally empty, and npd isn’t the cause