I feel like the suffering is worth it
This is my mindset, and I absolutely hate it. I grew up tight on money, and my parents never had enough to put food on the table let alone stuff I wanted as a kid, like plushies and dolls and whatever.
I'm 21 this year, and I just started working and earning my own money in recent years, and I cannot deny myself ANYTHING. I can plan my expenses out for the month but I cannot stick to it because the second I want something, I buy it for myself immediately :/. Even if I couldn't afford it. Even if it ate into the money for my daily expenses and savings. I always felt like the financial suffering was worth it to have these items and collectibles that I never had as a kid. But it's gotten to a point where I can't live without shopping. Every month I will splurge... multiple times on collectibles. I was spending more than I earned. I don't have any debt right now, but I've been skipping meals and eating the unhealthy cheaper options because I spent my May pay in less than one week and I can't afford food now.
I drained my savings of thousands of dollars in the last year. I have literally $80 left from multiple thousands.
I struggle with Cyclothymia which is a mood disorder that I take meds for, and I also go for therapy. This shopping thing is something I have brought up. But honestly, I can barely pay for the sessions and meds at this point.
I feel like the problem is my mindset. And I know that it is in fact not worth it to suffer like this over material things that are never gonna disappear off the Earth. And I don't want to hide behind my illnesses as an excuse but I can't reason myself out of it during episodes, so it's extra hard.
I was wondering if anyone has any advice? Thank you, I appreciate it 🥹.