u/Jumpy_Watercress_704

I had a really bad BPD breakdown triggered by my boyfriend last night and I don’t even know if this is a conversation I should bring up with him or if this is something I keep to myself.

My boyfriend and I call basically every night unless the other is really busy. He has told me that he likes to be able to hear my voice and at least talk to me briefly. He has pulled away from events before just to give me a quick call goodnight. He also does like to game with his friends but usually will call me one on one sometime in the evening when he gets home from work.

Monday when we called he told me that when he got home from work the following day (Tuesday) he was going to be online with his friend Nick. Cool, whatever. Appreciate the heads up. Everytime he’s done that in the past he will call me afterwards so I stay up to talk to him. 11:30pm on Tuesday rolls around and he texts me telling me he’s actually not going to call me and stay online with Nick. He says he’ll talk to sometime tomorrow (Wednesday) and wishes me a good night.

My heart immediately drops to my stomach and I feel sick and I do have a breakdown over it. I read his message, try to respond, and figure the best option for me is to not respond right now because I feel so bad. I don’t want to misword myself and make him anxious as he does have anxiety so I just sit on the floor and breakdown for a bit. He then follows up with another text after 20mins saying “is that okay?” Since he probably noticed I saw it and didn’t respond. So I try to pull myself together and respond “Of course it’s okay. I mean it so genuinely when I tell you that you do not need to ask for my permission or approval to spend time with your friends. I hope you have a good rest of your night and that you sleep well. I love you ♡”. He replies with that he got in his head about it for a moment.

To be honest I cried and felt sick for the next half hour and got like 5hrs of sleep. I know I’m being dumb and overreacting and I still don’t feel great. I don’t know how to calm myself down and don’t know how, if at all, I should talk to him about this. I don’t want him to feel guilty and I also don’t want to say anything that’ll make him feel bad.

Do I talk to him about this? What is there even to talk about? I broke down. I still feel horrific. I don’t want him to think he can’t spend time with his friends so I don’t even know if this is worth a conversation or if I just need better coping skills or what.

My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and I love him so much. He is so understanding of me and generally just the sweetest guy I have ever met in my life. I wish I could be the girlfriend he deserves.

We’re medium distance as he lives three hours away from me. We call every night and talk and play games or watch something together. He loves doing it and I do too.

He’s currently out at a bachelor party and he told me we most likely won’t be able to call tonight. No biggie, when one of us has a late night out we give the other a heads up on not being able to call. He just texted me confirming that he’ll be out really late and that I shouldn’t stay up for him. He asked if we could quickly talk on the phone because he at least wanted to hear my voice and check in and we called for 2mins.

I was admittedly a tad short with him and I feel horrible. He wanted to call to hear my voice and I can’t be happy? I can’t even pretend to not feel sad and numb on the phone? What kind of horrible girlfriend am I????

I might send him a text before I go to sleep wishing him a good night and telling him I love him. He has anxiety and now I feel horrible because I don’t want my flat tone on the phone to make him anxious and think that I’m upset with him. Because realistically and genuinely I’m not. I should’ve waited to call him until I could emotionally regulate myself.