I can’t tell if I’m trans
I’m sure there are many of these posts so, sorry about that in advance.
Me: 27, AMAB, have (for the most part) always identified as a male (though to my close circle I’m non-binary/fluid) and came out as gay at 18.
Reasons I’m confused:
- ever since a very young age, I have struggled to identify with boys and would always surround myself with girls
- I often make comments about how I “dislike” men or clown on them and essentially ostracize myself from them
- queer spaces with lots of men make me feel anxious and trapped inside my body, like I can’t “act like myself” because I need to “act masculine”
- being called handsome feels conflicting because again, I don’t really associate with masculinity, sexually I don’t enjoy topping and in fact it kind of embarrasses me when I do it
- I discovered drag around 19-20 years old and became infatuated
- I am usually really uncomfortable in intimate settings, I don’t really date, and when I’ve tried I usually end up saying something like “I haven’t figured myself out yet”
- I yearn to have sexual experiences that match traditional cis het roles (I’m almost exclusively attracted to masculine people, and mainly masculine cis men)
- when I was outed to my mom at 18 she said something like “well at least you’re not a girl right?” and that has stuck with me since
- when I think about transitioning, some of my first thoughts are worried about how my family will perceive it
- I feel uncomfortable presenting as feminine unless I feel like I’m painting a complete picture (My brain doesn’t like to “look non-binary” if that makes sense)
Is it extremely obvious? I have struggled with anxiety and what’d I’d call minor depression for a while and feel like I’m missing joy. While some of that is definitely attributed to a turbulent childhood, I feel like something else is off.
I’m scared about all the things I’m sure trans people worry about. “What if I’m wrong?”, “What if I transition and regret it?”, “How embarrassed will I be if I come out as trans and then end up detransitioning?”
Any wisdom / advice is appreciated ❤️