Anyone else confused and weird about transitioning?
hi! I dont know who to talk about this with or what even to say.
I have identified on and off as ftm or trans masc for ages. the first time was when I was probably about 11 years old and identified as non binary. then at 13-14 i was binding my chest with bandages and sports bras and wishing I could be a guy. at 15 I identified as a trans guy again, then gave up again, at 19-20 I was non binary but loved masculine terms, basically just back and forth. im 21 now and im really upset because I have never been able to figure out what I want. the issue is I have a quite large chest. if I was one of the afab people born with a flat/small chest id just go by he/they. I've always felt weird or wrong having a big chest. ive gotten really excited at being mistaken for a boy or called a boy by my ex. I dress in baggy clothes and have short hair hoping I look like a boy. the only reason I dress in revealing clothes or show my boobs is for male validation/attention. I get this weird terrifying fear any time I think about top surgery. like I'll regret it and I feel this weird grief for myself like id be killing her or something. however the idea of having a flat chest is like a dream to me. I get insane amounts of envy from trans guys AND cis guys for being able to go by he/him and have a flat chest. when I think of myself dating men I think of it as a gay relationship then have to remind myself. I also have severe OCD so Im terrified im not actually trans and its just an intrusive thought. I dont really want to go on testosterone or get bottom surgery but I do want to go by he/they and have a tiny or flat chest. anyways this is mostly a vent but I wanted to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation 😭😭
thank you anyone who read all this lol