My best friend is in love with me but I don’t feel the same way
Hello everyone!
I have shared a similar post on «off my chest» and people recommend me to reach out here, so here I am!
My best friend (18M) and I (18F) have been friends since middle school. A year ago he confessed his feelings to me, sharing that he has been in love with me for years. However, I do not feel the same way.
This threw me into a whole conundrum (again) about my sexuality. I’ve struggled with figuring my sexual identity since a became a teenager (internal homophobia etc). Recently, I came to a conclusion that I’m in fact bisexual as I have dated men before and sometimes find myself being attracted to guys (rarely). However, I like women 99% of time. I thought that finally I found peace within myself but then my best friend dropped the bomb of «I love you».
He is “the perfect guy” in every sense. He is good looking, smart, caring and every single good quality you can name. We work great together and I do acknowledge the fact that on paper it looks like that it could be a start of perfect relationship.
When he confessed, I rejected him, but he kept finding alternatives and compromises and later showing with his actions that he is the “best choice”. This pushed me into considering being in relationship with him as it genuinely looks like the right thing to do and a reassurance of a good future together. Plus, I would love to be in a “social easier” relationship, but then I know I won’t be fullfilled in it and it would feel like I’m betraying myself. I would like to highlight that I did establish boundaries with him and said a clear “no”, however it seems like it is not a problem for him.
I do not want to lose my best friend, but I also do not want to hurt him as after my rejection he was in a very bad place mentally for months. I also feel like I’m just using him for his convenience, if that makes sense? (Because of the whole social aspect).
I’ve heard a saying that “love is a choice” a lot in my life and the fact that I can’t choose him makes me doubt that am I bisexual after all, if I don’t like the most perfect guy? (In addition to the whole 99% women choice.)
How do I fix this without losing my best friend? Or should I give it a shot regardless of my feelings? What if I regret it and life with “what if” forever? Am I allowed to consider myself a bisexual if my preference is mainly women? How do you even deal with impostor syndrome while dating a man?