“Only have eyes for you”
I have had this consistent issue that I know I’m being excessive about. I apparently am a very narrow person when it comes to attraction, sexual attraction. I’m late 30’s now but even in my younger relationships, if I’m in love that switch turns off in my brain. I don’t remember having this much of an issue with my boyfriends not being like this. I never cared about porn use or them commenting on women. And I knew they flirted. But with my current partner it’s unbearable and I’ve gotten a bit obsessive.
He is clearly much more open sexually than me. He’s just very flirty and doesn’t even realize it. I mean honestly it’s probably partially what drew me in. But now I hate it lol. We’ve had conversations. He’s hesitant to be open now because of how hurt I’ve been. But in the very beginning he admitted he separates sex from emotion. He has said he could physically have sex with someone else but doesn’t mean he wants to. My brain cannot process this. The thought of touching, kissing, actual sex with someone else makes me physically nauseous. I cannot imagine entering that space with anyone else. I can objectively say someone is beautiful but I can’t even use the word attractive. It’s like I have no basis for that. I’ll say, even single, actual sexually motivated attraction is rare for me. I’m probably demi or something. Weird thing is I’m actually kind of hyper sexual and have had a higher drive than everyone I’ve been with, including him. It’s just that I lock onto my person.
I am aware that logically, most people are not like me. But I can’t seem to accept it. And I have thought, maybe I need to just be with someone like me, but let’s be honest the chance of finding that is rare. The thought is extremely comforting to me. I would love to relax into someone who sees the world as I do. Because I’m driving myself crazy.
I’ve had so many people tell me that it’s more meaningful, because he chooses not to do that and with me it’s effortless. But the way my brain works it’s the opposite. It’s both-if I were really his person it wouldn’t have to be a choice. I would fill all those boxes for him like he does me. Sometimes I wonder if his wiring is the “norm” because really there’s just a whole lot of people in unhappy relationships and/or who have something in their past. And also-I kind of feel like some of his stuff comes from his own wounds. Early on he had a lot of fantasies involving other people. I engaged with them, I shouldn’t have but I think I thought I had to so his fantasies wouldn’t grow. Yea I know it’s screwed up and it messed me up and we’ve had a lot of talks about it. His ex wife had an affair, although they did this fantasy stuff and were talking about ENM before that (he initiated). And I did kind of wonder if it was related. They also were together 20 years, so different situation. But now I worry I’m making him suppress himself.
I mean really. In this situation, one of us is making ourselves small right?
My question is, how do I accept this? In every other way our relationship is excellent. I’ve held on so long because I don’t want to throw it away over what I know is me being rigid. But I push these thoughts away and they rev up. I see men objectifying women on the internet and it all comes back up, wondering if he’s doing that. I asked a stupid question once, if he ever fantasizes about others when he’s with me, and he said yes and I asked who and it was this gorgeous girl he had been with right before me who rejected him ultimately. I almost broke up with him after that because I couldn’t sleep with him without wondering if he was thinking about her. He ended up walking that back and saying he thought I meant like for mastubration and he said it was only in the beginning. But I know what I asked, there was no way to misconstrue that. I told him I’d believe what he’s telling me but if that really were true it’s something I couldn’t cope with.
I guess trust is also a bit shaky. I’m extremely honest. I overshare. He is both less aware of his thoughts and feelings and much less verbal. He’s also terribly afraid of hurting me. So these open conversations we used to have don’t happen as easily. I don’t like that. I’ve told him multiple times, especially at first, how important being honest was from the start because that’s when we have the most choice to be in the relationship.
He eventually admitted to flirting for validation with bartenders and such. He ended up going to his neighborhood bar much less after that. But that wasn’t a good conversation. Only time he actually really hurt my feelings. Just kind of freaked out and was like “what do you want me to do make out with you in front of people? Quit my job so I’m always with you?”. I stopped bringing stuff up after this. He apologized of course but I felt like I was driving him crazy. I had just told him I wish he didn’t do that.
Idk. I’m just kind of tired.