u/JustASillyGoose666

I’m not going to fucking therapy. Everything I talk about any of my problems, my little lizard brain screams at me that I’m caught and that I need to either cry or hide. I finally talked enough to my parents to get medication again and have been able to advocate for dosage increases but last time I met with my physiatrist she told me that I should probably start thinking about therapy. I know it’ll help to some level, but I’m good enough at avoiding the topic that’ll be a waste of money. The meds have helped enough that it’s not as crushing as it once was, I’m more apathetic than anything and I have the occasional good day. My eating disorder has improved a little bit i guess, I was originally hoping that the meds would fix it but therapy would probably be what my mom and physiatrist would recommend if I so much as brought it up. It’s gotten better. I’ve improved. And honestly, idk if I want to get better anymore.

I knew you didn’t get it when I slipped up and mentioned my disordered eating a few weeks ago, I played it off, not very well ik but you just got so quiet and wouldn’t look at me. I knew I never should bring it up with you again because it’s something you either get or you don’t and you just clearly didn’t. That’s okay, I’m not mad at you for that. I promised myself ”not you, anyone but you and my family“. But I was so fucking hungry tonight and you were fucking complaining about how hungry you were and the only thing with calories I had today was a chai latte, and the girl across from me was talking about how much she had eaten but was still going to eat as much as she could. And because it was all you can eat you wouldn't shut up about making sure you got your moneys worth and I kept getting flashbacks to your party when it was just me forcing myself past the barrier in my head that wanted me to just stare at the food as it burned on the grill. I sucked it up then because it was your birthday and nobody could know and I actually had some food earlier. But I couldn’t shut up tonight and you already knew so fuck it, why not. The awkward look of concern and carefully concealed emotions doesn’t work on me babes, I’ve known you for a decade, I know that look. It’s not like you don’t have your own issues, but something about my little lizard brain gets the sense those issues have never been where I am right now. I mentioned it couple times before you shut the fuck up about it, of course then food was on the finally on the grill and we were both staring at it for very different reasons. That stare was hilarious to the girl across from me, apparently. When didn’t laugh and just looked at her, she asked if I was okay, obviously I said yes, but I saw you in the corner of my eye shaking your head and mouthing no. You were probably just joking and will never realize how much it hurts every time I have to convince myself to eat to save face. I really hope you were just joking. I really hope you never understand.