hello!! first off, I’m SO sorry if this isn’t the right place to ask!! I’ve been struggling with my gender in the past few years and I literally don’t know how to sort it out, and if I might be trans. I’m autistic so that kind of complicates it further.
Before puberty I was completely fine with feminine stuff, like dresses or makeup, but when I started developing I felt out of touch with myself. I’d never been like my peers (especially other girls) but I REALLY started seeing how different I was. I didn’t feel like I could slip into the “teenage girl” phase. I still haven’t, and every time I look at myself I just get really disgusted at my chest, I can’t look in the mirror and have to shower in the dark. I can’t recognize the sound of my voice and every time someone implies I’m a woman it’s like a shock and feels vaguely uncomfortable. It’s hard to explain but it’s definitely a negative feeling. I had a dream last year where I ignored all this and just went through life like a normal woman (marriage, kids, etc.) and when I saw my face in the mirror, I felt this massive dread and fear and woke up crying. It was like the Owen crashout from I Saw the TV Glow, I couldn’t imagine myself past 30. I’m just so uncomfortable in my body and where I’m headed in life, it’s like I don’t know “me” or the person I interact as.
I hate dressing feminine, but I see men do it and feel almost jealous. I see men wearing makeup and start crying sometimes because something in me wants to be like them.
Sorry for the wall of text. Am I tweaking 😭✌️