I Started Recording Myself Sleeping. I Wish I Hadn’t.
I don’t think I’m in control of my life all the time anymore.
It started small. I’d find things in my apartment I didn’t remember buying. Different food in the fridge. Clothes I don’t recall wearing.
I told myself I was just distracted. Stressed.
But then people started referencing conversations I don’t remember having.
A coworker thanked me for opening up to him about something really personal. He repeated details that were true — things I’ve never told anyone.
I laughed it off like I forgot. But it didn’t feel like forgetting.
It felt like hearing about someone else’s life that just happens to be mine.
So I started recording myself at night.
The first few nights, nothing.
Then I watched one where I’m sitting on the edge of my bed at 3:07am, just staring at the wall.
For almost an hour.
No movement. No expression.
Then, out of nowhere, I start talking.
Not mumbling. Not sleep talking.
Clear. Calm. Like I’m fully awake.
I’m answering questions.
Pausing like someone else is speaking.
Nodding.
At one point, I even laugh.
But there’s no one else in the room.
The worst part is near the end.
I stand up, walk directly to the camera, and stare into it.
Right into me watching it later.
And I say, perfectly clearly:
“Stop checking. You’re making this harder for both of us.”