u/JustKoetsu

Hi everyone, I am a 70kg, 186cm, 17M and I've been struggling with my body for some years now. First and foremost, I almost certainly suffer from grade 1 or 2 gyno and it's been hammering my head for pretty much 3 years every day now, for this, I've always been ridiculed as a child, even by my own relatives and middle school friends, that eventually generated a series of insecurities in me (also because I didn't even know what gyno was at the time and just assumed something was wrong with my weight). As of recent times I've started envying my peers for their flat chests which I could never achieve even though I train regularly, I can't stand seeing myself in a mirror sometimes and I'm even scared for the future, being that if it doesn't go away by 20 I will probably never afford to get surgery and fear the result may be botched anyways, leaving me off worse than I started. Another insecurity of mine regards my belly: even though I weigh just the right amount and have enough abdominal muscle for it to show through when I breath or lean back, it just refuses to go away, I feel this may actually come from poorly performing hip flexors or maybe anterior pelvic tilt I could've developed from trying to keep my back straight, but anyways, I just cannot seem to get rid of it, which becomes even more frustrating since it creates a contrast with my thinner waist and the lanky limbs and neck of mine which I also do not appreciate in the least (more so because I'm actually pretty muscular in those zones but it doesn't show most times unless I'm really bending my arms). Overall I feel very inadequate around anyone my age and even inhuman I'd say, as I should be in one of those bandwidths of age where a body is the most performing and image is often unjustly judged: I fear I may never look "normal" to the other's eyes and at the same time I yearn for a body that doesn't even have to be jacked but just functional and standard-looking enough, which most other teenagers sometimes "obtain" just with genetics, while I can't get mine to be satisfying in the least even at a standard weight. It's really been tormenting me and it also contributed to some suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes sometimes which I've had not only for this whole body situation.. all my friends support me and are probably right when they tell me it isn't as bad as I'm describing it (I've even posted some gym progress in some GCs sometimes and some even found it "attractive" so that's goals I guess) but I just can't get this out of my head, I feel nor skinny nor fat, but a combination of the two that mixes in the worst possible way, making me look like some kind of Frankenstein monster with no good pieces stitched on its wretched body. That is why I've resorted to talking about it here, I honestly felt a need to vent and maybe get a helping hand for something that's been weighing on my psyche.

Anyways it's late here and tiredness probably got the best of me, as well as English isn't my first language, if any of this is confusing or badly written I'll try clarifying in the comments :) love yourself for me out here, love y'all!