need advice/support
TW: >!suspected child sexual abuse and incest. I've spoiled anything super graphic.!<
I've been having an odd few days. I watched a youtube video on To Catch a Predator and that somehow led to me contacting a rape and sexual assault helpline. I've had a constant feeling for the last few years that something sexually abusive happened to me as a child. I've experienced sexual violence from the age of 13/14 from peers but my brain keeps on telling me that something happened when I was much younger.
During the chat on the helpline, I talked about this gut feeling and what makes me feel like this could be likely. To make a long story short, I had a dream when I was younger that a naked man was in front of me in a swimming pool. This dream makes me feel very very uneasy. I also developed severe separation anxiety and insomnia at a very early age (2/3). I was so scared of public bathrooms that I would have to be escorted to the school ones by my mum. I was also fairly hyper sexual as a child. I know some degree of sexual exploration is normal but I remember >!constantly rubbing against things like pool toys and just other toys in a sexual way.!< I also remember tying up my barbies and feeling like I was doing something sexual when I shouldn't of even known that was a thing? This was all around the ages of 3 to 6.
In more recent memory, I used to have sleep related hallucinations and one of them was of my dad just sitting at the edge of my bed. I remember feeling like he was there to do something but I fell back asleep quite soon after. >!I've also had a dream of my dad raping me. He blended in between my past abuser and himself so it might just be my brain mixing the two but idk. !<
>!We used to share baths and yesterday I got an intrusive thought/memory of me touching his penis !<but I do have OCD so that could just be my brain making something up.
My dad used to tell me these stories of woodland creatures exploring a forest and it was a really treasured memory but he recently told me that they were full of innuendos. I used to act them out whilst he told me them and that whole situation just makes me feel gross.
My relationship with my dad isn't very good as he has been emotionally abusive and neglectful. He also did physical abuse in the form of spraying me with freezing cold water whenever I wouldn't leave the bath. Despite this, a part of me really really doubts he'd do anything sexual to me. He was very adverse to me knowing anything about sex and found the whole concept quite gross. >!He was also sexually abused himself as a child so I'd hope he wouldn't repeat that. !<
Another thing that makes me feel concerned is that as soon as I got access to YouTube, I obsessively watched >!PSAs around child sexual abuse and abuse !<in general. I am unsure as to why I'd do that unless I was processing something? I was around 11 and I don't think that's standard child behaviour? I was also generally very uneasy around men and kinda just expected them to >!abuse or rape me.!< In secondary any time I was alone with a man, I'd just be waiting for something to happen. I was being sexually abused by my peers around that time but that still feels weird regardless.
Its really hard to talk about this as my brain will just remember something then immediately block it out. I'm sure there's other things I've forgotten but those are the main things. I've had a massive pit feeling in my stomach since last night and I'm not sure if it's my OCD or if my subconscious knows something I don't.
Idk what advice I want, just any help to like deal with all these feelings please.