What should I do?
East of Brisbane. Looking for a support network close to home.
Well I did it. Yesterday we actually had a really good day, took her car to get a service, first time she has ever gotten on the back of the motorbike with me, we came home, had a midday nap and then when she woke up she turned around and asked me if I had a female name totally out of the blue…. I told her what it was and she made a bit of a joke about it saying she didn’t think that was a name I would have picked and then the day went on. Then last night we were mid cooking dinner together when she came out with more questions about what I really wanted to do and how far I wanted to go. I tried to ignore the question and she pushed a bit more and I blurted out to her that I wasn’t just a cross dresser that she was hoping I would just be but I in fact want to start HRT, grow my hair out, get a nose ring and maybe down the track who knows I might get bottom surgery. Just so happened our kids who have moved 14hrs away decided they wanted to play online uno for a bit and they had us on a group call. She stayed calm and composed the entire time we were chatting to them and then once that was done came the tears and the hurt and the disappointment. She told me she would try and do everything she could to support me in between the tears but our marriage is over because she had already told me she would never accept me as a woman and she isn’t a lesbian and won’t be married to a woman…. We were meant to go to a couple of concerts with my brother and his wife in the next few months and she said told me to cancel her ticket as she wouldn’t be going. Our trip up north in 3 weeks to see our son along with 2 of the other older kids is now not happening for her, she is going to stay and send one of the other kids instead…. All this while still maintaining she can only imagine how hard this is for me and that she will still always support me but we can’t be together anymore. Anywho she was about to fall asleep on the couch and I I sent her to bed. She said to me that she still loves me and will never abandon me and that we will get through this…. Anyway I slept on the couch and woke 3hrs later to her making coffee and sobbing loudly. I’m not allowed to touch her, hold her or even cuddle her. Anyway she came back out and made me a coffee about 20 minutes later, we spoke very minimal because when I did talk it got turned around….. she even asked me how I could possibly tell her I love her so much but I don’t love her enough to stay a man for her. I know she is hurting…. Damn it tears my heart out to see her in so much pain and agony. She doesn’t know what she is going to do with her life and that’s fair but I guess deep down that we can maybe get through this together after 23 years of marriage and maybe still be together as partners and soul mates and help and support each other….: I don’t know if she can do can forgive me ever. She eventually packed a few backs, loaded the car up and left without saying a word to me and is going to stay at our daughters for a few days leaving me at home with the 17yo son who is in his last year of school. She told me that she doesn’t want to disrupt his final year and we would make it as normal as possible and then she leaves like that. I’m kinda so lost that I don’t know what way to turn. Anyway I ended up going through all my clothes, male and female, through all the cupboards of mine and threw away 3 large garbage bags of clothes and rubbish and memories… a spring clean if you will…. Not many of my male underwear in my bedside table draws but plenty of female underwear now… (I have more clothes, dresses, matching frilly bra and undies than my wife has ever owned, I don’t know how she has never had a go at me…. She really just have been trying to pretend I didn’t dress). I don’t know when I’m going to be pushed out into another bedroom or out of the house but I’m more prepared than I was before she walked out this morning. I didn’t tell her that I had already been to have my bloods done for HRT and that my appointment is tomorrow lunchtime when I would finally start my journey and now feel this is a totally moot point. As she has said several times….. she always had a feeling it was more than just crossdressing and now I have brought it out, there’s no going back….. So I’m definitely going to my appointment tomorrow…. Definitely getting my HRT meds……. Do I start now or should I wait? My heart is telling me to give her time to adjust and hopefully come around but my brain is screaming at me to just start it as I have already rolled the dice and have to deal with the consequences of telling my family, telling the kids, telling friends not that I have any really close friends because my one mate who did know everything about m died 18 months ago of cancer. Oh and I saw just as I was heading off to sleep last night that my wife changed her status on Facebook to Seperated and then on changed another status of hers from when we married 23 years ago to It’s always been complicated….. I feel she is forcing my hand and I’m going to have to come out to everyone a lot sooner than I thought…. I figured I would have about 6 months before any real changes became apparent…… I’m not upset that the cats finally out of the bag with her because she deserves to know the who I really am….. my biggest regret is the pain I have caused her… I do love her very much and always will….. I just can’t do it as a man anymore….. Give me some advice please and sorry for the length of the post….. A little lost at the moment.