Feeling guilty because I dislike pumping
I’m a FTM of a beautiful 2 month old and have been exclusively pumping for the last 4 weeks (prior to that, we were exclusively breastfeeding, but switched to EP due to reflux/issues managing letdown as baby was early at 36 weeks).
I’ve been lucky enough to establish a good supply these last 8 weeks and typically pump anywhere from 3-5oz per session throughout the day, pumping every 2-3 hours. LO takes between 80-100mL per feed, so we’re well regulated, the issue is that I really, strongly, severely dislike pumping.
I’ve read others in this group talk about their experience with D-MER, but I don’t think I fall into that category - more than anything, I feel like I can’t enjoy time with my child because I’m constantly counting down the minutes between pumping sessions, stressing about output, and measuring my worth in ounces.
My current “mini goal” is to make it to 12 weeks, but even then, I’m counting down the days and really believe that a lot of my current hang ups of feeling tied to the pump, anxiety around feeding, leaking/sore boobs, a body I don’t recognize, and general resentment will start to fade once the pumping ends.
And yet, as eager as I am to quit, I also have intense feelings of guilt. If I have the supply and am capable of feeding my child without issue, shouldn’t I continue? Is it that feeding is a difficult thing to do and maybe I’m not as resilient as I thought? Shouldn’t I be grateful that I’ve been able to produce (and occasionally oversupply) when I know this is such a challenge for so many, and I still want to ‘throw it away’? But then, in the same breath, am I putting way too much pressure on myself, and if fed is best, isn’t it amazing we’ve been able to make it this far?
The inner turmoil is crushing me and I think this could be part of the larger first time parent experience of wanting to do right by your child while having unexpected feelings of wanting my autonomy back (and feeling bad about it!)
I guess I’m looking for similar experiences or those who have decided to continue/end their pumping journey and what your motivations were?