My first relationship was the worst thing thats ever happened to me.
Hi! I wanted to make this post, because like the name of the subreddit.. i needed to get this off my chest.
Im going to be a little vauge, so i apologize in advance. Im scared this post will be found.
But basically, I had my first ever relationship. I ended things with him after a disturbing confession including attraction towards underage people and acts hes committed (and still were committing) of beastality along with instances of him doing intimate acts to me without care for my consent. I also work with animals and i have many pets, and i want to throw up everytime i look at an animal now. I cant even look my own dog in the eyes, knowing i unwillingly let someone that disgusting around him who probably thought disgusting thoughts about him.
After the breakup, he had attempted suicide and went to a mental hospital. I got many texts that night and posts made about me. When he got out, he was still contacting me. When i got fearful for my own safety and blocked him, he tried to contact my family to get to me.
I feel disgusting. He was my first kiss, my first everything. I gave my innocence to the worst person possible. Hes said many scary things to me that made me scared for my safety (i have taken many measures to insure my safety) but i am still scared.
I have been so stressed. Ever since all this happened, it seems like my brain has gone into override. Everytime i wake up, my memory of the day before is completely gone. I cannot even conjure up thoughts now. I have struggles reading, writing and remembering the simplest things. I feel braindead. My memory fades in and out, and i cant ground myself.
I never expected this. I just wanted to be loved, but instead i got someone who is one of the worst things a person can be. Hes ruined everything, and all my relationships for the rest of my life will now be tainted. And all this from my first shot of having a romantic relationship. I will never experience teenage romance, being two crazy kids in love (even though i guess i was the only kid in this situation) and i feel like it has taken so much from me.
My friends and family know very few things about all this, and i joke about it, but nobody really knows how this is affecting me. I cant even look at my own body without being reminded of him. I have scars from him and i feel as if my chest will always be bruised despite the bruises fading away.
I had put in so much hard work into becoming myself, and gaining confidence. Now its all gone. Because of one, horrible person. I am a gay man, and have always been scared to be with another man due to some internalized homophobia. Lgbtq people are never portrayed in a good light, always painted as bad people, and i guess it got to my head. Then this happened, now all the progress i made accepting myself went down the drain.
I wish i had seen the signs sooner before everything happened all at once, from someone i trusted the most. I wish i had the experience beforehand to know what to look out for.
All his friends are texting me, telling me how horrible he is. How they never trusted him. How was i so blindsided when even his own friends knew how horrible he was? Even his own family is worried about me. Why was i the last to know? Why did everyone let it go on when they knew it would end with me being ruined for anyone else?
I just dont know what to do. I want to be normal again. I was so happy. I was extroverted, high energy and optimistic. Now my heart drops and i cant breathe everytime my phone goes off.