To whoever reads this, hello. I just want to tell you all that your VERY blessed to NOT be me right now. Today, was just one of those days where I THOUGHT everything was gonna be okay. Sure did start off brilliant and all.......But then, lo and behold, these maintenance people randomly show up to my door, telling me that they HAVE to come in for an inspection, and because I live in a project, where the lousy rental office doesn't tell any tenant about any upcoming maintenance inspections or anything, their visits always end up feeling like unwanted, nerve wrecking surprises. I struggle with crippling levels of anxiety and hypervigilance, all because I'm a female who's still stuck living with her emotionally narcissistic abusive family. I struggle with maintaining eye contact with people, so I'm THAT kind of awkward person who looks downward while trying to look at people in the face because I'm highly uncomfortable. So quite naturally, maintenance having the right to intrude into my home like this because it's their job to, really made me unease, and upset. And I did unintentionally offend them by looking downward, because I didn't expect them. I'm in my own home and I look a hot mess too. And I just felt SO embarrassed and uncomfortable. To add onto this unbearable and humiliating distress, one of the maintenance workers just so happened to be a female. And once I was in my room and out of sight from my folks and the rest of the workers, I heard her talk trash about me, but in an indirect way. So long story short, struggling with mental probs AND struggling with them in a way where many people perceive you wrongfully, is THEE WORST. It didn't matter to this lady that I felt uncomfortable and even tried to ask questions as to why people within my apartment building aren't notified about these surprise visits. She just went on to talk and act as if "I was testing her", according to her when she was talking trash about me. I wish I didn't have anxiety and hypervigilance. People think SO badly of me. And I'm even being gangstalked all because of it too.
u/JustTryin4543-
I'm sorry. I know were all supposed to appreciate the lives we've been given as Christians and all. It's just that I'm stuck living with narcissists within an already bad neighborhood where I've been targeted by a bunch of psychopaths who stalk me. I spent a whole day with my upstairs neighbors literally stomping above my head and following me into ALL rooms I've been in from above my head. My emotionally, immature parents continue to piss me off to no end, my other sibs are NO help to me. And I get online on Reddit, and see that certain post I've posted in communities AREN'T supportive at all, because it shows that many people have saw my post, but no one comments. Even though I ask for support. So in the end. No one cares. I don't have a community. I posted something similar for somebody to give a crap within THIS very Christian community page YESTERDAY, and all I got was some creep tryna beg me for money for his alleged daughter's surgery! Like I said. Nobody cares! I'm pissed off and I hate it here! No one cares anymore.
I'm trying SO hard to meditate on the word of God right now, but thoughts of various bad things that could happen to me upon simply going to the movies with my family, won't stop plaguing my mind. Why am I having all these bad thoughts and paranoia you all may wonder?...It's because yours truly was born and raised by a narcissistic family. And for the most part, I kept my distance from a certain family member who was very abusive to me. My family, my parents in particular, don't like the fact that I took this stance, and would rather me "just get along just to get along". They do not care how much this abuser does not have a repentant heart. And it's mainly because they too do not respect me nor love me like much, and so in their own selfishness, they see my distancing as "cowardice". And both my folks have taken far too much pride in talking trash about me all because of this. So much so, that they treat me like I have to "prove" that I'm brave to them, whenever my abusive family member comes by. And like I've mentioned before, we plan on going to the movies, for once, I want to go out of my own free will, but my dad had to come in, being petty, and bring up the possibility of my abusive family member coming too. Just to stir up drama. And I verbally stood my ground and called him out for his pettiness. But admittedly, it's just not enough. I fear, that my abusive family member will premeditate something JUST to desperately get me in trouble somehow, cause that's what narcissistic people like her do, and I fear that God may allow it. Cause honestly, I'm still mentally messed up from the FIRST time I was domestically abused by her, and ultimately I struggle with doubt, cause which ever way I look at it, her abuse towards me was allowed, she wasn't sorry for a dang on thing, she got away with it, my family blamed me, and I suffered many panic attacks and STILL suffer a lot of mental torment from all of that, til this very day. Honestly. I'm starting to think I made a mistake by wanting to go to the movies with them, even though I actually want to see this movie. It REALLY sucks that I gotta go through so much turmoil just to do one simple thing. And it's all because of narcissistic abuse. Sad part is, we're supposed to be a Christian family too. I'm just incredibly worried and stressed out about all this. Even though I've been reading my Bible and I do pray. I wish I didn't have to live with them anymore 😔 I would like support please.