It’s my first no contact birthday. She showed up at my apartment while I was at work with gifts. Every gift she’s ever gotten me has been selfish and unwanted. This time, she got me gift certificates to my favorite places in town.
It feels so complicated. She discarded me six months ago. Displaced me from home. Said some things I’ll never forget. Because I tried to set a boundary. She said you don’t get to have boundaries in this house. So I moved.
Since then, she’s been vying for contact. And I just hate her so much, I can’t see her anymore. So of course the gifts are good. Only after the breaking point can she do anything right. Why couldn’t she just listen in the first place? Why only in conflict is she kind?
It’s meant to confuse I know. And it does. Because there’s nothing I can do about that primal unfulfilled thing that claws out from all angles, screaming ‘I still need a mom!’
And the horror of it being her, and knowing that she will never be enough.
It’s the saddest birthday I’ve had. I’ve never felt so alone.