I’m trying but I’m just not wanted around.
I have 9 days sober. I had 4 months before that. I stopped drinking because the person I am when I drink doesn’t care about keeping up the false pretenses of composure.
Drunk me lets the walls fall. I’m exposed. I can no longer suffer loneliness quietly. The more I drink the less daunting reaching out to people feels.
That’s the worst part.
The realization that not only am I not considered among people I know. The silence is confirmation that I’m unwanted. And I just put myself out there, into a position to be ashamed. The people I reached out to, who didn’t feel like responding don’t want me in their lives. And I’m the one holding those conversations that didn’t happen through the days ahead. The shame and embarrassment follows me.
So no, I don’t want to drink again. I’m tired of trying.
I tried last week too. 6 days into my sobriety I went to a singles camp out. I was the only sober person there but I still tried to be social and talk with people. Only to have someone tell me I wasn’t masculine, and women like her would never be with someone like me. 2 things, 1. I was talking to someone I had met at that camp out when she came up and started talking to us. 2. I didn’t express any interest in pursuing her romantically. We’ll just bury that with the rest of the trauma I guess.
My point here is I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to idealize self harm. But my attempts at connecting end up cutting. So I’m thinking my best option is to just be alone and stop trying.