u/Justheretoventandshi

And chloe dont read it

Idk i just have no strengh left like how much shit do i have to endure rn its not even much but the emotional response my mind is forming is killing me like tf how can it be that i can feel so fucking high and so fucking low so fast in some moments its so fucking exhausting fuck idk what to do anymore trying to kms again? Its not like that helped the first two times. Oh no you are hurt why dont you just go to therapy? You know its important to keep hope. We all had times were we felt bad dont be so sensetive. Just go outside it will surly help you. May some pills will help you. Fuck you all like holy fuck therapy yea nice ik it can help but that shit tramatized 2 frinds of mine. Keeping hope why the fuck should i if it hurts even more if i do? Going outside? Come outside see what will happen ashole. Dont be so sensetive? Says the narcecist who teared not one not two but 4 familys apart bc you had to cheat on your wife and traumatized all children there like stfu if you are more problem as my depression could ever tell me! Pills for fucking real you gave me deprission in the first place and insted of saying you are sorry you want me to take pills so you dont have to deal with me when i say that i feel bad fuck youuuuu you damn ass fat ugly son of a bitch!!!! Bro i cant do this shit anymore. And for what am i still here like im confused myself ok first try i made someone cry i love (as a sister) and i stoped and got well seccond time idk god had other plans i woke up at like 2 in the morning after trying and had to comfort a frind of mine and her bf who are in a psychiatry rn and now i think about a third attempt after every little wrong step i take and idk am i just in a fucked up system or am i the thing thats wrong and fucked up idk i mean i tryed and now i think im going crazy idfk anymore would it be wrong to kms? would it be right? On the pls dont side we got: the few frinds i truly have and dont want to lose. Weed. And sex. And on the pls do it finaly side we got: last time alcohol. Not beeing able to hurt the ones i love anymore. Letting all the pain drop. Having peace. No mood swings. Noone to rescue. No lies. No bullshit. No rape. No nothing just beeing dead. Idk option "pls do it finaly" got a few more things i can think of... idk i hate dearh dates and stuff but may i should get one like if life is fucked up like that till there fuck it like no back out no jokes no nothing just ending it it would take so much pressure away like having the chance to end that shit i call life...

idk if someone even reads it if someone made it here thank you for listening i guess but please keep your self away from helping others to much it can fire back and if it does it hurts for life dont distroy your life for others you count too

First some things about me and after that some questions

All in all, I want to die. I understand that other people may have reasons to keep living, but I do not see any for myself. When I look at life, I see love, sorrow, money, work, freedom, hate, and all those things, and I simply do not understand why that should be a world worth living. I hate being here and I do not understand why people say it is so great being alive. For me the best part of life is the people you meet and the conversations you have. But it is not as if a few nice conversations could suddenly change my mind. Maybe I am just not made for life. Maybe I am just tired idk. All I know is that some people seem to move through life like its nothing, while I have to fight just to get up eat something and fall asleep again. For the past few days, I have been thinking about making a third attempt, and I am still not sure whether it would be the right choice or not. I spent more than ten years trying to save other people, and it feels like none of it has paid off. If they were truly getting better even in the slightes instead of merely surviving, maybe that would be enough for me to keep going, but not if it keeps going like that. For example, two of my friends tried to kill themselves this fucking week. I woke up to a million messages and did what I always do: tried to stay calm, comfort them, and do everything I could to keep them alive. But I do not want to be trapped in this cycle anymore where the people I love keep trying to kill themselves and I have to help them call an ambulance or stop them from dying. I cannot keep living like this but I cannot just let them die either. Additionally i do not understand most humans. I can see their reasons, why they do things they do but i cant find any that would motivate me. Im not just lazy or got a bad time i just cant find reasons why living should be something good on the long run (for myself). So the conclusion I always reach is that it is not worth it. No drug, no amount of money, no opportunity changes that for me. Life is not enjoyable to me. And yes i may have little moments of joy like i can be happy and stuff, but i never found anything what i would considder living for.

Now my questions

(pls dm number and awnser )

1.What would you consider worth living for? (May i find something for myself)

2.What do you expect from life?

3.If you could wish for absolutely anything, what would you wish for?

4.What is your favorite drink? (I might need some fuel in case question one has no good answers.)

5. Do you believe in fate?

6. Do you believe there is a God? (Yes or no and if yes which one)

7. Is being kind meaningless if we are all going to die in the end?

8. Am I a bad person because there are people who rely on me while I still want to die? (I do not have children or anything like that.)

9. What is your favorite song to listen to during a breakdown? (Right now, mine are songs by Red Leather especially Last Call)

10. Is being kind and supporting others a bad thing if they clearly do not want to live? Wouldn’t helping them stay alive just mean keeping them here to suffer even more, regardless of your reasons for helping them?

11. If someone wants to help you, but almost everything they say hurts you, would it be better to keep that person close or push them away?

12. Why does life matter?

You can answer as many questions as you want or just ignore them all. Do whatever you feel like doing. You can even ask me stuff if you want idc.