u/Justice_of_the_Peach

I quit last summer after many years of heavy daily use. I had several goals at the time: improve my cognitive functioning and quality of sleep, quit binge eating, disconnect my favorite activities from thc dependency, and be more productive and present.

At the same time, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to quit for good or be able to use on occasion in the future. A lot of things happened over the next few months: a couple new jobs, unstable finances, falling out with some friends and family member, a lot of soul searching and shadow work. I overcame it all and even started finding a new meaning to life.

As the summer started approaching, I developed new weekend cravings. I didn’t crave it after stressful work days anymore; I didn’t even consider relapsing while going through a mental breakdown not too long ago - it was just weekends.

I thought to myself that maybe I had become too serious, too rigid, and too self-aware and that I needed a way to relax and enjoy life every once in a while. Friends and hobbies weren’t doing it for me, so naturally, I started toying with an idea of occasional thc use on some weekends.

Thinking and planning created the foundation. Then going on a hike and smelling it on a passing trail runner supercharged the temptation. After weighing pros and cons, I caved in and drove to my favorite dispensary last night. I had doubts on the way there, but didn’t turn around.

I didn’t want to smoke so I got a small bag of gummies. I even had some points to use (I used to shop there way too much), but I declined. On my way home, I literally ripped the bag open with my teeth and ate a half of a gummy. I figured I’d be a lightweight by now, so I wanted to see what “micro dosing” would do.

I got home and felt.. nothing. I felt tired (not in a good way), clumsy and slightly uncomfortable. I did not feel the pleasant relaxation that I expected. My muscles were still tense and my mind was still too aware. In that moment I realized the following:

1. I was craving the ritual of buying more than the weed itself, because my brain used to associate it with excitement for the upcoming fun and pleasure.
2. In the process of regaining self-awareness during my sober months, I unknowingly put too much pressure and restriction on myself. I need to find mindful and non-escapist ways to truly relax and recharge.
3. There is no going back to occasional use. My brain and body changed too much over the past months, so it’s pretty much pointless to use on occasion. And I definitely do not want to go back to daily use, especially smoking; not even because addiction is bad, but because I don’t want to give up better mental and physical health, better focus and sleep, better vocabulary, confidence in my body, etc.
4. And lastly, what I was truly craving was not the thc or temporary dissociation from the heavy reality. I wanted to emotionally travel to the timeline when things were fun, wholesome and exciting. Honestly, I even got sad on my drive home, because I knew it was impossible and that things would never be the same again.

This whole experience helped me realize that I am not emotionally fulfilled despite all the good changes. This is something that I will have to continue working towards. Inability to go back in time doesn’t mean that I can’t have new meaningful experiences again. Expanding my tribe is important after all. I have been isolating myself too much. Also, weed will not teach me how to be this or that, skills are acquired through mindful practice only. I also need to learn to stop putting so much pressure on myself. Life is not a race.