I think I am in an abusive marriage, but don't know what to do..
I (F, 38) have been married to my husband (M, 38) for 15 years. We grew up together and both came from difficult family backgrounds, so we bonded early over understanding each other. When we got together in our early 20s, we were very much in love.
We had our first child at 25 while we were both in university. The plan was that he would finish school first while I stayed home with the baby, and then I would go back to school once he had a stable job. That never ended up happening. I tried to go back, but without much support, my grades suffered and I dropped out. I’ve been home with our kids since, and we now have three.
Over the years, things have changed a lot. A major issue has been intimacy. After having three kids, I often feel completely overwhelmed and touched out, but my husband expects frequent physical intimacy. When I say no, he becomes moody, withdrawn, or angry. Over time, I started going along with sex and physical contact just to avoid conflict and keep the peace.
There have been multiple times where I asked him to stop during sex because I was in pain, and he didn’t stop. Afterward, I would feel upset and cry, and he would apologize the next day.
He has also lied about being in pain to get me to touch him intimately, which I only realized later.
More recently, things have escalated in ways that feel like clear violations of my consent. He has initiated sexual activity when I was too intoxicated to properly consent. There was also an incident where, while I was asleep, he did something sexual to me without my knowledge or permission, and I woke up feeling shocked and violated.
I have told him that these things feel like violations and not okay to me, but I don’t think he truly understands or accepts that.
His moods are very unpredictable. Some days he is kind, helpful, and feels like the person I fell in love with. Other days he is cold, angry, or completely withdrawn. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells trying to keep things calm, especially for our kids.
He can get very upset about the house not being clean, and I sometimes rush to clean before he gets home to avoid tension or him snapping at me or the kids.
What makes this even harder is that there are stretches—sometimes weeks—where things feel completely normal between us. During those times, it’s easy to fall back into the routine of everyday life and convince myself things are okay. I still love him, and we have so much history together.
But at the same time, I carry a lot of anxiety, chronic fatigue, and other ongoing issues, and I’ve started to wonder if my body is reacting to the stress of all of this. Even during the “good” periods, I can’t fully let go of the resentment for what has happened.
From the outside, he seems like a great husband and father. He cooks, cleans, and people often tell me how lucky I am. That makes it even harder to talk about this, because I feel like no one would believe what happens behind closed doors.
I feel anxious, disconnected, and sometimes like I want to run away. At the same time, I feel stuck. I don’t have family support, we live in a foreign country, and I’m not in a strong financial position to support myself and three kids on my own.
I think this is abuse, but part of me still questions it because of the good days and because of how he is outwardly.
If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you know for sure, and how did you even begin to get out?