u/Justwokeup5287

I struggle with being seen and heard by others. I'm fiercely agoraphobic and even walking the 5 steps away from my front door to put something in the garbage bin is incredibly difficult for me. I have 2 small dogs, and they bark excitedly outside sometimes, but I'm hypervigilent around how much noise they make. I will hurry them inside after 5 barks because I don't want to upset anyone or be a nuisance. My biggest fear is being approached by someone who is furious at the noise I/my dog made.

My therapist encourages me to widen this noise tolerance window. From 5 bark to 30 seconds, 60 seconds, and to just breath and let it happen so I can learn that nothing bad is going to happen if my dog barks for a few minutes. Like an exposure therapy.

Today I was crouched down on my back step behind a bush, and I was letting him bark while wanting to shrivel up and disappear, expecting the worse. I kept breathing, anxiously counting the seconds until I could return to the safety of my home. And then... One of my neighbors approached me. I'm crying just recounting this and it feels really silly because while my body and brain were reacting to my imagined worse case scenario do you know what she said to me? She said I didn't have to bring them inside just because they were barking. She told me it was ok that they barked a little because that's what dogs do. She told me I was ok too. And of course all the while my pup is excitedly barking as she walks over to our yard. She was so kind and understanding. I asked if she was sure because I couldn't believe that she wasn't enraged at me for existing and subsequently making noise. She wasn't bothered at all. I told her I appreciated her saying that to me, that I struggle with anxiety and that this is really hard for me. She was so understanding. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. It doesn't feel real, it goes against everything I ever learned from my parents and how I believed the world perceived me.

The moment I was back in my house I started shaking uncontrollably. My body and brain had prepared all this energy to escape the imagined worst case scenario and it didn't happen. I crawled onto the floor and laid on my back and cried. I tucked my knees up and I rolled back and forth in the fetal position. I held myself tightly. I didn't rush myself to get over it. I did my best not to shame myself but I do feel ashamed. I regressed into this infant state, and even though nobody witnessed it, I'm embarrassed.

I'm trying to reframe this as something to be proud of. That I was able to self regulate after a large anxiety event, even if what I did to regulate was embarrassing. I didn't avoid my feelings, I didn't numb them with substances, I didn't hurt myself, I just sat with myself as I felt with these big emotions. Now my brain wants to tell me that this was a one time exception and that next time I won't be so lucky. I was so scared when she approached me but she wasn't mad at me. My own mother would call me dramatic, tell me I'm overreacting, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing but she is half of the reason why my brain thinks that I'm only acceptable when I'm silent. I know she left me to cry as an infant. She wasn't able to make space for my big emotions, so she left me alone to cry until I exhausted myself and gave up. I felt like I connected with myself as an infant and I showed up for me and I made space for myself.... Finally... 30 years later. It's the best I could do

I've always been obese. Never in my life have I been thin or average.

As a suicidal teen I knew if I died obese then I would be thrusting my family into the debt of paying for an XL casket and plot. I would shop around for caskets when I was at my lowest, and the price tags would scare me into sticking around. I've read that cremating an obese person is a pain for the one who performs the cremation, something about the fat and grease mucking up the kiln/oven whatever you call it. And what if my body didn't fit nicely into the door? Would they need to disassemble my parts to burn me? My death seemed to be a burden and a bother and a pain to all involved afterwards.

So my brain knew that the only way I could comfortably commit was if I either had money set aside to ease the financial burden, or I lost the weight so I could kill myself as a regular weighted person.

I also understand that on a biological level the body wants to keep living, and that suicide is a mental override of those innate instincts. So if I had deeply internalized "I can't kill myself until I'm thin".... Why would my brain/body want to become and stay thin if that would lead to the finalization of my suicide? Even when I cut and counted calories, even when I exercised, anytime I lost a substantial amount of weight I would go into a horribly paralyzing depressive episode lasting months ... And of course the weight would come back. The most I've managed to steadily lose was 90 lbs over the course of a year, but after another trauma sent tremors through my nervous system, it was put back on in under a year.

So I'm just a massive person. And I know that I take up "too much" space, I don't fit nicely into waiting room chairs, or movie theater seats, my fat spills out over the cup holders in the car, I can't wrap a towel around my body, I can't find clothes i like in my size so I've accepted a life of plain t shirts and sweat pants. I am very familiar with how fat people are viewed online. I've seen/heard every insult in the book. I know that the sight of me disgusts and offends entire groups of people, whose days are simply ruined if they have to spend any time near me and my fat. I've seen accusations that fat people are clogging all the healthcare and thin people can't get the care they need since fat people bloat the system, so I stopped seeking out care at the hospital, I stopped going to the doctor, I didn't want to take away someone's healthcare. I'm a large target, an easy target, and I guess I deserve it because I can't just pull myself together and fix it. But the shame and the bullying never motivated me to get out and do something about it, it just made me make myself scarce and hide myself away from the world so people wouldn't have to look at me.

I decided I wanted to live last summer. It just didn't seem like I was going to die by my own hands, and obesity wasn't killing me like I was led to believe it would, no high blood pressure, no cholesterol issues, no thyroid issues, no diabetes, no pre-diabetes, I'm just large. There is no doubt there is strain on my joints but that's not exactly killing me... I need surgery but can't get it because of my BMI being nearly 50. I would have a higher quality of life if I went through with the surgery. You'd think that would be enough motivation to lose it. But it isn't. I don't know why. I don't know what it's going to take to get me to make the changes needed to lose the weight for good. I saw my doctor, which was hard to do because I didn't want to steal healthcare from someone else, and I asked about the glp-1 shots, it would help with the "food noise" I've been told, it'll restore your natural hunger signals and make you feel full longer, and with such a high BMI I should have qualified for insurance to cover it for me. But they denied it. Because I don't have any obesity related health concerns it technically falls under sole the purpose of weight loss, and the insurance won't cover weight loss treatments. I'm too healthy of a fat person. I cried all the way home.

I think my brain is afraid I'll kill myself the moment I can comfortably fit in a regular sized casket. And I can't guarantee that I won't.

Has anyone had anything like this? I honestly feel really alone in this experience. Please no diet or weight loss advice, I know you mean well and just want to help, but I assure you I understand how to lose weight, I've lost weight before with CICO and gentle exercise, I know how it works, I know that it works, it's worked before. My weight is directly entangled with my childhood trauma and my chronic suicidal ideation, and that's the angle I wish to have any discussion about here. I thank you for understanding.