u/K-Squirrel_17

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Advice from Sri Lankan people especially appreciated.

I'm an Englishman dating a Sri Lankan Sinhalese woman who is currently living in England.

She is the most supportive, solicitous and sensual lover I could have asked for; but for a while, I've been repressing certain worries I've had in the relationship about things that could lead to bigger problems further down the line.

1. Mini-tantrums - She often likes to let her inner child out around me, which is really cute. I love the fact that she feels safe enough to do this; but every now and then, she will start a fight over something small, and expect me to rush to pacify her. If I stay calm, she seems to take it as an insult. She has admitted that she sometimes picks fights on purpose, for fear that the relationship will grow boring without them.

To be fair to her, she never does this when she sees that I'm doing something important; and she has apologised on occasions where she feels she's gone too far. I don't want to allow myself to be manipulated too much, but I also don't want to silence the little girl inside her.

2. A "passive victim" attitude to both her past relationships and to her current struggles with her working environment, both of which she describes as toxic. I have no definite reason to disbelieve her on either (and with respect to work, I know she has at least one colleague who shares her frustrations); but I have heard warnings telling me to be wary of women with attitudes like this.

3. Violent talk - certain conversations we have had suggest a worryingly casual attitude to domestic violence, whether committed by me against her or vice versa. E.G. "Some day, you're going to hit me;" or "If you do X, I am going to punch you." (She has never actually hit me, except in a playful sort of way.) She says this is just how people in her country talk - which, given that her country has in recent memory been through a civil war, makes a certain amount of sense.

4. A disconcertingly judgemental attitude towards other people. For example, when speaking to me, she will casually call other people "stupid" when they have done something that frustrates her. She has also applied the same adjective to transgenderism, an issue which I admit to not fully understanding myself. She has a complicated attitude to black African people, saying she has no problem being friends with them but would rather not live with them - an attitude which she attributes to having been followed home by black strangers, and to previous adverse experiences with black housemates. (She also says she would prefer not to live with other Asian people, as they tend to gossip a lot.) Individually, these things are understandable. It's what they might add up to collectively that has disturbed me.

I would have put issues with physical boundaries there as well, but she has got better at respecting themselves over time. Another issue she is aware of is her control issues: she has stated that she is trying very hard not to be as controlling towards me as her mother is towards her father, and I appreciate her effort very much. The fact that she is capable of recognising these things in herself is something I take as an encouraging sign with respect to the other issues.

I reiterate that she has been kind, patient and loyal to a fault with me. I avoided dealing with these issues for a long time - first because the first signs were only small, and I wanted to give character time to reveal itself; second because she seemed to need me for medical reasons; and third (to my own discredit) because I felt that I needed her. Perhaps because of this, and because of other issues that I have going on in my own head, the issues above became bigger in my head than they needed to be. I worry that I'm overthinking, and sabotaging something great.

To those who know Sinhalese culture better than I do: how concerned would you be about the issues I've outlined above, and how would you deal with them? Feel free to send me a private message for further elaboration.