How to overcome “internalized homophobia”?
I have some exposition for this, but if you want to jump straight to my point, it’s at the bottom.
EXPOSITION
I’m a 23 y/o guy that’s been “straight” my whole life. I’ve dated and have had sex with women, as well as built my whole identity and future on the foundation of being straight. I want to marry someone, have children, and give my parents the grandchildren they’ve (and I) have always wanted someday. But deep down, I know that I’m gay. I’ve always been attracted to men, yet no one in my life knows that. There’s always been a part of me that pulls myself away from who I truly am and forces me to be someone I’m not, and as more time passes, the more dread I feel over not coming out before. Now, I always feel like it’s too late to step out now, risking that if I do I will destroy everything I’ve worked towards in my life: my relationships, my future, my dreams. To accept who I am now would be to kill the version of myself that everyone in my life has known, including me, and that terrifies me. Perhaps this is me overthinking everything, but I just don’t know what to do. That’s why I’m reaching out here to see if anyone has any advice on how to overcome this. I could really use the help, and I’d appreciate anything you guys give.
TL;DR
I’ve been “straight” my whole life, but I’ve actually always been gay. I don’t know how to come out now as I feel the life I’ve built on this facade is on the line and potentially destroy the things I care about. How could I overcome my “internalized homophobia(?)” when there’s a part of me that has grown comfortable being someone else?
Thanks for your time.