Grew up in emotionally unstable family. Got married and take therapy; family accuses me of over sensitivity and victim mentality because they are still stuck in the old patterns of lashing out, lying, calling names.
The title says it all. I just got out of an emotionally exhausting conversation with my sister and I need someone to listen. I’m two months pregnant and I don’t want to hold this pain too long.
We had a verbally and sometimes physically abusive father growing up. We are twin daughters and an elder son. I’m the twin who married five years ago and moved out. After I began displaying patterns of lashing out, constant distrust, severe insomnia and other symptoms that were hurting me and my marriage, my husband suggested therapy. Three and a half years later I have been diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety, BPD traits, and chronic insomnia. A year and a half into my marriage, things with my father worsened enough that we secretly started him on Risperidone in 2022 through a psychiatrist. He has improved significantly since. My therapist also told me that growing up in the same household would have affected all three siblings differently, and encouraged all of us to seek therapy.
I made the mistake of sharing my therapy progress with my family when things were going well- the reduced lashing out, the clearer thinking, the lower anxiety. They were encouraging then. Recently, my mother called to say she’d stay with me for a few weeks to help with the pregnancy. Over five years of marriage, my husband and I invited my parents countless times. My father always had an excuse- electricity repairs, business bills, door varnishing. He visited only once, after my ACL surgery, and was in a hurry to leave because he needed my mother back to manage his household. So when my mother asked if I was happy about her visit, I told her honestly that I wasn’t, explained my years of disappointment, and specifically said she was not to blame and that this was purely my pain.
Instead of being heard, I was punished for it. My mother told me my mind was fogged, that I was completely wrong, and screamed “shut up” three times before I ended the call. My brother told me my “pregnancy brain was devoid of all logic,” suggested I restart my psych meds, and called my husband to report they were worried about me. My sister called the same night but I put my phone on flight mode and chose something peaceful to fall asleep to.
The next morning my sister accused me of lying because Scrabble and WhatsApp had shown me briefly online. Despite my explanation she called me a liar twice. I got riled up and raised my voice; she said she didn’t want to talk and I cut the call. I messaged her afterward but before I finished typing she deleted my messages, saying she wanted peace of mind. Then she called me names: “you randomly pick fights with every goddamn person,” “you act like a victim and run away,” “talk to me when you’re in a better mood,” “something is off with you.” When I called her out she said she was being “brutally honest” out of concern for my pregnancy, and told me not to dissect her words. She said therapy had made me a psychological, oversensitive person who thinks everyone is out to get her.
What I told her, and what remains true is this: they ask me to express myself freely, and the moment I do, they punish me for it, make it about themselves, and dress their defensiveness up as concern. They explain why they said what they said instead of acknowledging my pain. They called it an “episode.”
I’ve decided I will no longer be emotionally open with them. Our perspectives are too different, and it serves no one to keep expecting otherwise.