u/Kadeliss

I’ve had this sitting on my chest for years. I have never spoken to anyone outside of my immediate family about this, and they all agree that I am, in many ways, in the wrong. This will be a lot, but I promise you’ll get some INSANE tea out of it.

Let’s start with some context. My grandmother had my mother when she was a YOUNG teen and was forced to marry the ADULT man who impregnated her. He was very abusive, example: for my mom’s 18th birthday he pointed a gun at her and threatened to kill her. He died young.

The story I’m getting ready to tell may be kind of hard to follow, as it also involves all of my aunts and uncles.

Here’s the key:
Grandma (mother of three)
my mom (firstborn)
My uncle 1 (second)
My uncle 2 (youngest)

Uncle 1s wife, and mother of my cousin, resented me for being born before my cousin (even though I was born prematurely). We will call this cousin, cousin A. This story will be mostly about her.

Uncle 2s wife, who we can call H, will also be a large part of this story. H, in my opinion, is a horrible human being. She admitted to (along with Uncle 1s wife) deliberately putting stuff in Grandmas food to trigger her health issues.

Both uncles, along with their wives, would often take away my cousins and cut us off when angry. This included taking away cousin A, who was my best friend.

As we grew, cousin A began to also resent me. She would deliberately abandon me, but get angry when I would make new friends. She would sabotage my friendships, and either try to make me dislike the person, or would put me down and try to make that person dislike me. For example, when I was around 17, I met someone who was like an older sister to me. Cousin A couldn’t find a reason to dislike her, because this person was an angel, so instead, she would put me down and call me dumb, stupid, etc.

You can skip this, but here’s a vivid memory I have of this: at our graduation, a girl came up and introduced herself to me. Cousin A sat there pouting and refused to speak to her until I forced her into the conversation (because my mom and grandma were giving me the eye to included her). She then, as the day progressed, took this new friend away and DELIBERATELY isolated me from the both of them. Her mom, Uncle 1s wife, then looked me in the eyes and said “I guess A has a new best friend”. I was so shocked and it was so ingrained into me, that I just smiled at her and walked away.

Cousin A would constantly compare us, a trait she got from her mother. She would often body shame me, for example: making fun of my flat butt. She was competing with me in every way. In school, she would literally try her hardest to finish the work before me and had attempted to manipulate me to slow me down. (I could give an example of that too) She would tell her parents that I was doing bad things, only for her to be doing them, not me.

Trigger warning for SH and eating issues in the next paragraph. Not explicit

How was Aunt H involved in this? I’m so glad you asked. Aunt H wanted to be like a teenager. And we both greatly looked up to her. She would constantly make comments about her body in a negative way. And slowly but surely the three of us ended up in what I suspect was competitive EDs. She would encourage this. She would also deliberately brag to us about how she would burn herself on the stove. I greatly suspect that this aunt taught my cousin A how to self harm.

She and cousin A were always closer than I was to them. Mostly because I had a strong black and white moral code that I wouldn’t shake on. This got worse when I made the conscious effort to heal from my eating issues. Cousin A would then go on to DELIBERATELY trigger me.

As things got worse with Aunt Hs marriage, she cheated on my uncle, and then took the kids. She had taken the kids before and refused to let them see my uncle or the rest of the family on multiple occasions. She always came back. This time she did not. Those kids are traumatized to this day. We’ve one TWO court cases against her and she still plans on taking us back to court for custody of the youngest ones. Not the oldest. She doesn’t want the oldest (how horrible).

While this is going on cousin A, as it turns out, has been lying to my face for months and was actually in contact with the aunt during the court case the entire time. And if you’re still questioning if the aunt is a good parent or not, let me tell you another story.

I vividly remember Aunt H, years ago, telling me and my cousin about one of her family members who had inappropriate contact with her as a child. She warned us about him. Only to then leave and take her little daughter around that same man.

Anyways, Grandma, who is a volatile person, ended up confronting cousin A in a huge blow out. The two supposedly made up eventually. Cousin A never admitted to a thing.

Then, cousin A left the whole family, blocked us all (including her little sibling) and would not speak to us. It was so sudden. And she hadnt verbalized any issues before hand. I suspect grandma confronting her is what set her off. I texted her once asking if she was coming to a family event, no answer, and I never messaged her again. She blocked us on everything.

I then find out, that despite the fact that I was supposed to be her maid of honor (somethint she had promised me over and over again) that she had gotten married without any of us present and then consequently got pregnant.

It turns out, that she was still in contact with aunt H, and was sitting at her dinner table breaking bread and lying about us, including me. I know this because Aunt Hs children all confirmed it.

During the holidays cousin A decided to come back. I refused to go. My mom told me that I didn’t have a choice despite being an adult. I yelled, then caved, and had a panic attack driving there. I refused to look at cousin A the entire night.

Now here’s the big issue. And what I still struggle with.

In summary,
My mother, during all of this, was completely passive. She told me that if I confronted any of my family members that God would be displeased. So, throughout ALL of these situations and MANY more, I SWALLOWED ALL OF IT. and I did it, willing, as long as everyone just ended up okay. I was NEVER defended during any of this. And I was forced to keep a fake peace through my entire life.

Only, for that fake peace to fall apart completely. And the rage I felt when I realized this… I had no words. All of the times I ‘kept the peace’ and let people do whatever they want because, according to mom “you don’t deserve boundaries because your a kid” and because “it doesn’t matter if an adult mistreated you, you stay and take it because that’s the right thing to do”.

Only for all of it TO BE FOR NOTHING.

I wrestled so heavily with my morality. Because in one ear I was telling God, I don’t know how to forgive, and in the other ear mom and grandma were telling me that I was wrong because I couldn’t bring myself to pray for her. That I was wrong for being angry. I felt like I was going INSANE. At times I wanted nothing more to shout that I don’t want cousin A back, that my life is better without her in it. But then I would be the one resenting the prodigal son when he finally gets back home.

I still feel like that sometimes. I haven’t told anyone any of this ever. God help me. I’m still angry sometimes. Even years later. And it NEVER ends. These people never stop. It’s always something. And I am BOUND to it.

There’s so much more I could say. But this is so unbelievably long already. Thanks for reading even a little bit.

Am I in the wrong for getting hangry?

Am I in the wrong for still struggling?