I was abused by my dad
I was abused by my dad years ago (just a vent, maybe advice needed)
I was abused in pretty much every way by my dad for years.. emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually.
I don't live with him anymore and only really am using him to pay for my doctor stuff, otherwise I don't talk to him. I was 12 when he raped me (while i slept), but leading up.to that and even after he always had made weird comments about me. Calling me a wh*re at 10 for wearing a shirt that showed my stomach when I lifted my arms, telling me I had a nice ass also at that age.
They aren't repressed memories (though I'm certain I have some) and I just need to just put it out somewhere i guess. It happened about 5/6 years ago now and I've never told anybody about it besides my current girlfriend, but I don't want to talk with her about it in depth for a variety of reasons.
It feels gross. I don't understand why he only abused me (not that I'm wishing it on anybody else) when I had 3 other sisters (one blood, 2 close enough friends to be family). I've asked them about it, and aside from being regularly uncomfortable around him (valid, he's weird), they haven't said anything implying sexual abuse/harassment from him. Maybe it's just because I was his first and oldest kid.
I haven't told my mom, either. I've implied that he's a pedophile a few times, and my mom just gives me a look and brushes past it. I don't want to bring it up fully until I'm done using him for his insurance, too, which is only a few months off (when i turn 18). I feel bad about that, too. He has a shitty life, neither of his kids live with him, he has no friends, and is severely mentally ill.
I just don't know why he did it. Maybe it was because I was showing signs of being queer and he wanted to 'fix' me (he comes from a very Christian household, the type that doesn't let women vote or drive) (it didn't fix me anyhow, im still queer and trans (he/him)). Maybe he just didn't like how I was behaving. His girlfriend at the time was abusive towards me too, putting cut up straws in my food and neglecting me while she was supposed to be watching me
I also don't get why it was just me. Neither of them abused my sibling like they did me, who's 1.5 years younger. I'm glad they didn't get abused, but I still wish I knew why.
I wish I knew what to do. Its far too late to get any sort of case against him. Its too late to call him out or shun him. I know his family (and some of mine (parents are divorced, my dad is still close with some my moms family)) would still defend him with his life.
I don't want to go to therapy to talk about it, mandated reporter and all. I don't want to bring my mom or siblings into knowing it, too. My sibling still has a decent relationship with him, and I don't want them to end up having to pick.
I'm scared of more repressed memories coming up. I remember shoving my cabinet in front of my door so he didn't come in at night, but theres so many things I know I don't remember. I'm not in a place for them right now. I just graduated and got a promotion at my job, I don't want to have to deal with more issues. I've already have new memories come up (being stripped naked by him and forced into a cold shower on my birthday because I was misbehaving(I was undiagnosed autistic and having a meltdown due to being overwhelmed)) and I just don't want to deal with them. I have too much going on to try to navigate new mental health issues. I've already attempted on 9 seperate occasions and I don't want to add to that, and I'm just scared I guess.
Just a vent i suppose. If anybody has good advice on dealing with repressed memories itd be helpful.sorry