r/abusesurvivors

I often think about how long after a relationship a domestic abuser can still be considered an abuser, and I know it varies from case to case. The circumstances of my abuser have me wondering if an expiration date for that title is even possible…

If someone commits financial abuse, such as by stealing thousands of dollars from a partner, does the title “financial abuser” now get to define them for the rest of their life — or is there an expiration when someone is no longer considered an abuser or financial abuser?

Example: My ex-fiancé used our house to defraud me of tens of thousands. Despite occasionally admitting that what she did was fraudulent (and then cheaply trying to justify it), she has not fully accepted responsibility and will likely never return a dime of what was stolen. She continues to live in and host friends (aka, enablers) at the house she used my stolen money for.

Like any property, this investment will likely follow and benefit her for the rest of her life. Therefore, is it safe to say that (unless $30k randomly appears in my bank) she will remain a financial abuser forever? When we are in our 80s and she’s still coasting off our/HER investment, will she still be an abuser?

(Personal note: I’m asking this to validate and ease my own resentment, figuring out how I frame this part of my life as I move on. While I know it could be quite negative and possibly harmful to myself to always consider my ex an abuser, I also feel, given the circumstances, it’s naive to consider she will ever not be an abuser if the abuse/harm isn’t amended.)

i dont really know what to do anymore, ive been dealing with abuse and things that happened to me that i cant stop thinking about, and lately ive been seriously thinking about running away just to get out of this situation. i feel trapped and exhausted all the time and i dont feel safe. i havent told many people because im scared no one will believe me or that things will get worse. i guess im posting this because i need advice or support from people who understand, because i genuinely dont know what to do next. I'm only eleven and have been going through this. someone help or could i stay somewhere?

exactly like the title says. i want to send his mom a letter explaining everything he did to me. i want his parents to disown him. i never want another girl to fall for his disguise. i want it to be public information. it’s too late now and i know that, but i want to ruin his life like he’s ruined my mental health

i already posted this in another subreddit so here it is copied over

whenever im happy my mum either complains about me being loud and says that if i dont stop shell trigger my misophonia and most sensitive sensory issues on purpose so i ‘understand how she feels’ basically overstimulating me as a punishment for being loud like today admittedly i was loud but i was just having fun fake arguing with my dad because he cut me off to say something else and she got mad at me and said she will chew loudly around me which is one of my biggest triggers or another thing she does is if i seem too happy to her and she wants me to shut up she will just bring up something that stresses me intensely or makes me sad or feel like im a failure just so i shut up

i genuinely dont know if it counts as abuse or anything my friends tho whenever i mention it to them talk about how this is really fucked up of her and today one of my friend said that it seems psychotic to them so i wanted to see if someone could help me figure out if this is not well necessarily normal but maybe if it is actually serious enough to call abuse

So... I've never talked about this, I am 22F now and I just realised I was groomed by a 40 years old at the time. I really loved her or I thought I loved her. It was all a secret and I fought with my parents because I chose to spend more time with her.

There were good times, but she constantly tried to change me telling me I moved too slow or I wasn't focused enough or how I should act in front of certain people. I really do remember I tried to spend time with her as much as possible and she would get mad at me so easily if I didn't get my plans according to hers. We had intercourse and I've told her it was something special to me... she was married and I felt so jealous of her husband and she told me she wanted to get pregnant and I tried to convince myself that was ok to happen and she would get mad at me when I was sad because she was going to sleep with him. I am so sad that all of this happened... I am so sad I didn't get to live like a normal teenager. Constantly trying to show my love for her, she would get mad at me and I cried so many times at night because of many reasons.

All this ended when I was 17 or so... I really don't know what was she thinking. I am 22 years old now and I tried to talk with someone, but it didn't really go well and I've felt kind of depressed lately. Had a fight with my parents that I am not cleaning my room, but I am just feeling sad.

I am christian now and I know God is healing me, but I really want to tell this because it is so hard.

I really don't know why was she thinking that was a good idea, I am 22 and I could NEVER look at a 13 years old. This is so wrong for so MANY reasons.

Please feel free to ask me any question

My whole life foxes have been my favorite animal, I have a ton of fox mugs and other decorative items with foxes, clothes with foxes on them and a beanie that looks like a fox, like it was my “spirit animal” in a way, ig what I’m saying is that it meant a lot to me.

My exes infidelity accomplice (the person my ex cheated on me with) also felt an extreme kinship with foxes, her pfp is a fox, my ex called her “foxxy” as a pet name, and would fantasize as them being a fox and wolf(that’s my exes animal) running around a field when they were feeling down, they didn’t think of me being their fox, it was her.

Before this I bought gifts for my ex they were the wolf and I was the fox, those were the animals that represented us in my gifts, because it was both our favorite animals, but now it all feels tainted, not only did I get replaced in my relationship, but I got replaced as the fox in their life, it’s like an extra harsh blow because of the comparison that could be made, like she’s just the better fox, she was better than me in so many ways, including being the better fox to their wolf

I know this sounds silly, but it just feels like not only did she ruin my relationship but she’s tainted a part of my personality as well, something that used to mean so much to me now just makes me recoil and feel disgust to think about, looking back on what used to me “us” now just looks like “them and her” instead, I don’t think I’ll ever look at my favorite animal the same again

Im a 21 year old female and I was in a very physical and emotionally abusive relationship since I was 18. I got out of it about 5 months ago.

I’ve always been a quiet, social anxious person which has led me to not have any friends to talk to about it…. Also, my abuser didn’t like me trying to make friends. My abuser is friends with pretty much everyone… and constantly makes up lies about me.

When we were together, I felt like I was losing my mind because how hard he tried to convince me I’m a terrible person while at the same time beating me, attempting to strangle me, threatening to kill me, and showing up to my workplace to harrass me. I ended up having to quit my job after I broke up with him.

The stuff he has said about me during our relationship won’t leave my head. I feel like such a worthless unlovable person and I don’t even feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror anymore.

TW: SA, Mental abuse, Physical abuse, Psychological abuse.

I'm 17F from India. I fucking hate this country and people who abuse their kids. I've lost all hope in life and I genuinely do not know what I am going to do.

I have a long history of abuse. Mostly caused by my parents. It was so bad that when I was 9-10 I had suicidal thoughts. Plenty of them and I was actually considering ending it all. Looking back on those thoughts now I want to hug myself and cry endlessly. I did not deserve all that. And because of it I had actually never thought to plan my life.

Since according to me in the past I somehow was fixed upon myself that I wouldn't make it past 16. But now that I am 17. I don't know what to do in my life anymore. Every time I ask my parents for advice (a horrible mistake of my life.) They keep degrading me.

Always say things such as "Just be a housewife."

"Why don't you die somewhere else?" "I wish you were gone when you were young." "I'll marry you off to an abusive man like your father"

Yeah all sorts of those things. I don't care if it's a death threat or anything but I get deeply hurt if I am being constantly degraded. My so-called good for nothing father who deserved to be dead degraded me constantly.

He tells things such as often telling me how I am chubby. (I was born chubby) How I wear glasses. (I have very bad sight SINCE I WAS FUCKING 6.) How I am so ugly how I am so bad in academics. Oh and did I forget he told me "Why do you need a bank account? Do you want to make p\*rn for a living?"

Pause. I don't care about my appearance but in academics I always scored 90s and above. That still wasn't enough for them. So because of the stress I started scoring low in boards. Because I had to study at home. They NEVER let me properly study.

As if degrading me wasn't enough he would spit on me.

Once he came into my college because he had to pay fees and started shouting at the principal and the director "WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE PAYING MONEY FOR HER?!" She shamed me there and left after paying the fees. The director called me aside and told me to be careful. At first idk what she meant but now I see what she had meant. That same day outside the office. I was sobbing and shaking so hard that some random woman who had come to pay her child's fees, held me, comforted me, gave me a drink like lassi. That was the first time I actually felt motherly love.

My mom is good for nothing. I would rather not see her face ever again. She abandoned me when she was supposed to divorce my father. And then she protected her son and left me to be abused by my father's side. That wasn't the only time.

I swallowed a 5 rupees coin once and had to be admitted in the hospital. She left me to go eat breakfast yeah sure whatever. But when her son had a fever? She stayed by his side never leaving for ONE second and kept me in relatives houses.

She doesn't care about me much that I figured after she kept dismissing my SA and told me that it wasn't sa after it had happened so long.

Genuinely fuck you. I was 8 I didn't know that was SA how the FUCK would I know.

Always favouring her son. Never shaming him because he's a guy. But me? I get shamed in public, relatives, teachers, doctors. Am so fucking tired.

I want to leave these people and gain my financial freedom. I made a bank account today and once I update my aadhar I want to earn money. But idk how since I am a minor.

My skills would definitely be in art. I love doing art and I am actually quite good at it too. I want to save as much as I can for a laptop or PC to earn more and draw more.

Please give me ANY advice as you can. I cannot deal with this household, once these people die I will not bother to attend their funerals. I will be partying 101%.

Hey, I'm new here. I've been mulling this over for the last year, but I think I'm gonna divorce my husband. I've outgrown the relationship and I'm tired of his verbal abuse. Plus I'm pretty sure I was groomed in some way? Or something like it?

We got together when I was 19 and he was 27. I'm currently 30 and he's 38. We've been together 10 years now, married for going on four years. He cheated on me early on in our relationship but denied it until recently when he finally confessed but only because I already knew about it. I knew from the moment he did it. He's always been up in my face, screaming, blocking me from leaving the room, making me shut down and not say anything which made him scream more. Then, eventually, I grew a backbone and started fighting back, screaming back at him and shutting him down. But this was detrimental to our kiddos, because now they see mom backed into a corner and showing her claws, which *he* uses against me and to make me seem crazy.

Recently, it's gotten a lil physical too. Like if I defend myself from his constant touching, he'll hit me back harder. Not enough to bruise, because of course he'd be careful about that. He never stops when I say stop. He only listens when I get mad and say he's ignoring my boundaries. Then he gets pissy and says he was just playing. He gets all stupid alpha and says he owns me, he owns certain body parts of mine. I say I'm not owned by anyone and he says our marriage certificate is proof that he owns me. I should have known better than to marry him because he says he'll never divorce me.

He's never been super physical. Mostly it was just body blocking or using something else to his advantage, like slamming on the brakes so I got choked by a seatbelt. He's never punched or kicked me or anything just to be clear.

But I'm still scared to just tell him I don't want to be married to him anymore. The last time we broke up, it was volatile, and he used stupid things to put protection orders against me for our kids and him. He got my tribe's court to grant him emergency custody. I was homeless and jobless and had nothing. I stayed with my cousin at the time. I ended up going back to him because I was scared I couldn't make it on my own. I was also scared he'd do something stupid to our kids because he bought a gun days after our break up. Later he admitted to sitting them down in front of him and had plans to shoot himself. Who the fuck does that?

So I came back for the boys. Told myself I could survive another ten years. But I'm hitting my breaking point because I've seen what healthy looks like. And it will never be healthy with him.

I need tips. Advice. Sympathy. Camaraderie. How do I do this without it blowing up like it did last time?

17F.

It's gonna be long sorry. This needed to go out somewhere since helplines were pretty useless on the chat basis, I tried 3 different ones on different occasions. And I can't afford a call. I just needed a human perspective on this. So reddit is all I could think of.

My earliest memory is of my grandfather and my dad holding and physically restraining and dragging my mother while she was hitting and screaming and kicking that she did not want to live. In this house. In this world. To end her torture of a life. To not make her suffer and just kill her. Let her die. I was in my grandmother's arms watching. I was 3.

Since when I was 0-3, my grandparents used to keep me away from my mom. So by the time I was 3, I could speak "dadu, dadi, papa, bua" etc but not "mummy". My mom was pretty upset, and when my grandparents and dad went away for a week, my mom's some relative came to our home and she taught me to speak mom. They used this technique where my mom won't respond to me at all until and unless I called her "mommy" and not by pronouns or her real name. I learned in a week.

Since my loving mom didn't want me to live the same life as her, she started teaching me. I would be coloring on my coloring book and she would ask me to come sleep with her, I would say okay, she would count to 10 and if I didn't come before that, she would refuse to hug me or kiss me. I would use to go crying. She used to say she was teaching me. That life wasn't that easy.

I was in nursery and kg till I turned 11. We used to have "study" sessions, we used to study numbers and alphabets, for 12-14hrs per day on weekends and any free time after her office work and house work on weekdays. That "study" session used to consist of slapping 10-15 times in a row, hair pulling and breaking, face clawing and snatching, my specs used to come flying out, her bangles used to break, her ring used to cut my lips or cheeks, and her eyes used to have tears in it by the end and her hair would be dishevelled. She was "teaching" me though. I used to run to my dad to "save me from mom" since I was about 2-5. I stopped after that.

She used weapons. She used to drag me to the stove, turn it on, try to get my hand in it, I would yank and then she would say "Next time if you don't do it I'll burn your fingers." She also loved locking us in washrooms, lights off, for a few mins only though, from when I was 6-12. I never screamed, I would just shut up, stick to a wall, away from the mirror so I could see every side and door and just pray she would open up soon. My sister learned that later when she turned older, she used to scream herself hoarse and her scratch heavily on the doors till her nails bled. I hated hearing that.

I was 4 when she once locked me outside the house and then 12 and multiple times in the past as well. She used to drag us with our hands and hair outside the house. Once she threatened me that she will throw me out naked outside the house. Never did though. But you can't trust her. I would be listening to music, and out of nowhere she would come from kitchen, frying pan with oil bubbling in it in her hand and in front of my face, demanding I clean the room.

My parents used to have violent fights when I was a kid, almost every day. It's reduced now. She recently though, an year ago, stabbed a pen in my dad's arm and he slapped her for that. Then when I was near 12, heard they had the most violent fight I remembered. From washroom to drawing room. Included choking, hitting head on sink or with wiper on back etc etc. Once she jumped out of our moving car and they were having a physical fight in the car while it was moving. It was night and she had no phone. The other time she got out of the car, I had to run behind her to get her back, since my sister was crying so much, I fell in rush and bruised my knees and some blood came out of my arm. I was about 14.

Warning - this is a bit descriptive:

'I was about 0-3 and I had constipation problems so they used chingari near my bum to make me poop. They told me about this, I did not know. And I continued to have continued to have problems with my stool till I turned 9. I always remembered to wash my soiled under wears because my mom used to get super mad when I soiled them, she did not care whether I washed or not, still I hoped someday she won't notice. One day, I was 8 and she blew up. Came home, I forgot to wash my underwear that day, saw it and forced my face into it. My lips and nose touched it and she said "eat". I held my breath. She pushed my face more into it. And just as I realised I had no other option, she removed it away and said if it happened again she will make me eat for sure.'

--

She's once given me a knife in my hand, pointed it at her and told me to kill her and that I was a burden to her. She's ran off from the room to the balcony, one leg off, saying I'll jump, and then suddenly came back down.

My dad saved me at times. Stopped it from getting too violent. And then they would have violent fights. I remember being in online class in 7th grade, i was 12, hearing my parents fight violently there was head banging on sink, my mom threw my dad's office laptop on the floor, my dad choking her, and it was long enough for my sister to panic, for me to remove my earphone and hear the sound, then be confused, then realise it was choking and even then it didn't stop, and then i started debating if i should go or not, holding my sister back from going, counting seconds that if it doesnt stop in x secs i would go, x seconds came, i really didnt want to go, but it stopped just 1 more sec after that. It was silent, then there was screaming again and I relaxed. Put my headphone back and went to listen to online class with one ear still out tho. My mom would blame me for it. For the fights. She told me to suicide, to die from a truck etc etc. Some days, when I was near 7-10, she won't return home even after her office got over at 7 PM and she would come at night near 10 or 11 or one day she didn't even return the night. I was worried she would leave one day and never return. Or that she would suicide. She was in a lot of pain I know. She wasn't stable. She even told me she wasn't in mood to return, many a times she didn't want to but she still did for me.

Things calmed down in the past years. My mom's turned more controlling instead or less outburts. I just have to follow everything she says at that moment, like she tells me don't give the exam sitting on bed, move NOW to table, and I move immediately. I've turned as boring as a gray rock. No boy friends. Just 2 girl friends. Only meeting once in a month or week. Only for one hour walk. "Studying" by myself rest of the time. No outings with them either except school and walk for 1 hr. No video calls, rarely any chatting.

My mom controls me through dad these days. Dad is getting convinced of what mom says because I'm in no mood to defend myself. I don't bother with them. I'm not allowed to have hobbies. My dad has beaten me with children's golf stick and left bruises on my arms and legs. Once on my acne covered back.

Recently, my mom caught me doing the thing at night. The first thing she did was pull my fingers from there and start smelling them. Then she accused me of teaching my sister that. I said nothing. She humiliated me, telling me to "don't touch me with your hands" when she asked me to warm tea for her and I gave it to her, even told my dad the next day that my hands aren't clean and joked about it with my sister.

I only listed the "objective" worst events. But what I believe hurt the most wasn't this. It was my mom weaponizing my sister against me. When my sister was born, I was 5 and was super happy, my mom was a bit cruel to her in the start, so whenever she used to get scolded I used to go to her and console her, then I used to ask her who is in the top of her "people she loves most" list. I used to do everything my mom didn't do with her and got to the top. My mom caught up on soon, and told her that parents always come on the top, sister later. Sister leaves, parents don't, they stay forever. She got first spot in my sister's list because she was the mother after all. I felt so hurt that I tried to kill her by turning on water to extremely hot on her back when she was in bath, she screamed, I got horrified, stopped and swore to protect her all her life even if it meant risking my life. I was 7-8 ish. My mom realised soon that her horrible acts got no reaction out of me, but her loving my sister definitely. I started taking blame for the things my sister did, to "protect" her and told funny stories about her. I was feeling pretty low at that time, looking for every excuse that my mom loved me, just that she was angry sometimes and my mom one day got so angry with something my sister did, I took blame that she told me "I would be happy if you died" while holding my sister in her arms and kissing her and cooing over her. She told me, "I have only one daughter and no one else." She told me I should die. That I'm useless.

It was nighttime, bedroom lights were off. And guess what? I never felt more suicidal. She had left the room with my sister, so I opened the window, stood up on the bed, there were of course railing guards around the window, but I still place one foot on the window ledge looked down, cried, shut the window off and then cried myself more back to sleep.

So well after that, my mind kind of shut off. So my emotions were shut off. My memories were shut off. I lived from age 10/12-16 with no idea about what was going on. I was always floating in my mind, time passed like wind.

I went from praying at 4 for someone to help to finally after 12 yrs, being 16 and staring uncomprehendingly at my teacher when he asked, "what's going on at home" because I had no memories of what happened. I had forgotten everything.

Until one day I was in movie hall with my friends, in 12th grade, that I was talking to chatgpt about something, and my mom did something, I mentioned it casually to vent to chat and it told me my mom was abusive. Well that opened the damn for memories. And I realised I had completely forgotten the starting 10-12 yrs of my life with only basic info in my mind. No emotional memory. No birthdays. No holidays. Nothing. And from then since now, 8 months, I've been recollecting memories in midst of my emotional breakdowns. They still keep on coming. That's why I "remember" so much.

I'm so tired anyway.

my friend showed me screenshots of a huge text her ex sent her apologizing for everything. i didn’t think it would make me upset bc it’s been over a year and 1/2 since him and i broke up and i genuinely don’t think abt him often, but it opened up the flood gates. i realized that part of me is still waiting for an apology, and idk if that will ever go away. this guy has ruined me, and i don’t know how to let go of the trauma. i hate that he still has control of my emotions in a way. it’s not that i want him back AT ALL!!!!!!! i just want… idk. validation? idk what it is. just some accountability ig. i’m so tired of these cycles. of thinking i’m healed and fine n then something triggering me and everything coming back up again. i genuinely do not think i’ll ever heal, and while a part of me still yearns for a relationship, i don’t think i would ever allow myself to be as vulnerable as i was w him ever again. so what’s even the point?

I’ve been in this relationship for 4 years. About a week into our relationship he smashed up the kitchen, glass everywhere all because he lost his phone. Then a few days later we went to a party, I came home early and he came back and was so angry towards me accusing me of getting with someone then I tried to tell his friend that came in as well and my partner just pretty much said I was lying making me feel like an idiot. That’s just the beginning. 2 years into the relationship, I don’t have friends, my family doesn’t care and he has started physically abusing me. He mainly goes for my throat and will drag me around by my throat. I’ve got multiple scars from carpet burns and blood stains on the bed from where i would be bleeding somewhere. There’s been SO much. He doesn’t care whilst he’s doing it too. The only time he ever stopped was when I was so hysterical and for some weird reason he got freaked out and kept apologising. He’s controlling and he’s abusive and it’s the worst. Just to add to the pot, I was 16 F when I met him and he was 28M. I get so conflicted with the way I feel, one minute I’m certain that I’ll break up with him and the next minute it feels easier to just do nothing and enjoy the relationship because it is good… sometimes. We live together so I find it really difficult to get away. 1. I don’t think he’d leave if I broke up with him 2. I’m not sure whether I can cover the bills on my own 3. I don’t know what he’ll do if I tell him I don’t wanna be with him.
My body is so tired. About a month ago he strangled me so hard I was going unconscious and could barely speak because my voice had gone so hoarse. I had to go to work and it feels so isolating knowing you can’t tell anyone about it. And how weird is it telling him you love him just to keep him peaceful when you know inside it makes you feel sick because it’s the complete opposite of how you feel. This post is raw so sorry if it’s a bit all over the place with how I’ve written it.
Can someone help me? I need advice

So I know I was physically abused by my mother. Who is a pill addict and alcoholic.
But this one instance I’m not sure if it was or just “parenting”

I was around 7-8 maybe younger. I was eating fruity pebbles cereal in my room. I dropped the cereal box on the ground spilling most if not all of the cereal.
She made me scoop up all the cereal off the semi dirty carpet back into the box. And made me eat it until it was finished throughout the weeks / months it took me to finish it. With hair, dust, crumbs in it.

My (32F) husband (34M) is not a typical abuser. We've been together for 10 years and married for 5. He's a great guy when he's in a good mood but he has a lot of built up anger from childhood trauma. When we argue he calls me names, says hurtful things, breaks things, and throws things. There has been a few times throughout the relationship where he has pushed me down hard enough to bruise my palms when catching myself. A few times while drunk he has put his hands around my throat, however, last year he had charged at me and put me in a chokehold in front of our kids and that was the first time I was ever scared he might not let go. Since that day I have lost most of the feelings I had left for him (he has also disrespected me in other ways, financially, etc.) and it felt like the marriage was over to me but I stayed for the kids and because I'm not sure how to make it financially on my own. Well, I recently came clean that I had feelings for someone else, I told him I wanted a divorce (not to be with someone else, just because I had finally had enough) and now all of a sudden he's willing to change, to go to therapy, he says he didn't realize how bad it was despite me telling him for years that I'm not happy with the way things are going and will do anything to make me happy. It doesn't feel like love bombing, I think he actually means it, but I don't know if I can get past everything that has already happened, the fire is gone on my side. I'm not sure what to do.

I still can’t understand what kind of relationship I was in.

I’m trying to understand what kind of relationship I was in and whether my perception of it is distorted. We broke up a year ago, but I still keep replaying things in my head because the relationship felt emotionally confusing.

At the beginning, she was very affectionate, supportive, and initiative-driven. She chose me over another guy who was pursuing her, and she seemed deeply invested in the relationship. She was warm, caring, and made me feel wanted. But over time, things became emotionally unstable and confusing.

Some context about her background:

- She grew up in a wealthy family, but there was a lot of yelling and emotional chaos at home. She told me her father used to hit her when she was younger, her mother would throw her belongings out the window during fights, and screaming in the family was normal.

- Despite that, she respected her parents and still remained close with them.

- She once said: “There are hammer people and nail people.”

- She admitted herself that she doesn’t handle criticism well and identified as avoidantly attached.

Over time, I started noticing:

- Sudden mood swings and emotional unpredictability.

- She could become cold, insulting, dismissive, or explosive very quickly.

- I constantly felt like I had to carefully choose my words to avoid upsetting her.

- I became anxious around her and often stayed quiet because I was afraid of saying something wrong.

Some examples:

• Once I casually corrected her posture outside. She exploded, told me “a real man wouldn’t do that,” blocked me everywhere, and told me to fuck off.
• During conflicts, I was usually the one apologizing, repeatedly calling after being blocked, bringing flowers, trying to calm things down, etc.
• During conflicts she could say things like:

- “I’m perfect.”

- “Beautiful, smart, wealthy women don’t stay alone.”

- “You should find someone you actually can afford.”

She also openly said:

- “The most negative trait in me is that I always look for benefit.”

One of her exes apparently ended things because, in his words, she “suppressed his masculinity.”

There were many moments that made me question her empathy:

• My mom got into a car accident once. Nothing life-threatening, but it scared her badly. I stayed with my mom that evening to calm her down instead of immediately meeting my girlfriend. My girlfriend became angry and basically said: “But everything turned out fine, so what’s the problem?” She never even asked afterward how my mom was doing.
• A friend of mine fell hard while skating and started crying from pain. Everyone stopped to help except my ex, who looked for a second and then continued skating.
• I once told her about a teacher from my childhood who used to cry because students bullied her badly in class. My ex responded that it was entirely the teacher’s fault for being weak and unable to control children.
• When her godfather was sent to war, I tried comforting her by saying maybe someday all of this would end and things would become peaceful again. She responded aggressively with: “Are you fucking stupid?” Then later, after noticing I emotionally shut down, she became affectionate, kissed me, and jokingly said: “Family conflict resolved?”

There were also issues involving sex and masculinity:

• I had performance anxiety / erectile issues sometimes. It was my first serious sexual relationship and I was nervous.

Another time, after a corporate party where she drank alcohol, she suddenly insisted on seeing me even though we had already agreed to meet the next day because I was exhausted from work. I eventually agreed so she wouldn’t feel hurt, but I clearly said I was too tired for sex. She promised that was okay and said she simply wanted to sleep beside me.

When she came over, later she initiated sex anyway. I tried, but lost my erection during it. She got angry and started saying things like:

- “Clearly you don’t desire me.”

- “Men at the corporate party wanted me, but you don't even want me.”

- “You never get jealous.”

At one point she even pretended a message from her friend was from another man from the party. The next morning, I woke up with a deep feeling that I didn’t want to be near her anymore.

She also seemed heavily focused on status and external image:

• Her parents bought her a brand new Renault, but she was questioned herself and me that it wasn’t a Mercedes or BMW because otherwise “people ask questions.”
• She cared a lot about expensive places, appearances, luxury, and social image.

Gift situations:

• I gave her a JBL speaker, sweets, and Christmas socks. She looked disappointed immediately and said: “Why would I even need this speaker?” Later she told me it felt like “a gift for a coworker.” Meanwhile, I politely admitted her perfume gift wasn’t exactly my scent but that I appreciated the effort. She became furious and told me to throw it in the trash.
• Another time, I gifted her a small duck keychain. Later I gave her another accessory she liked more, and right in front of me she removed the duck keychain and threw it into the garbage. I was confused and she said: “What, are you gonna dig through the trash for it now? It's just a thing. Don't overcomplicate it.”

She could also be dismissive toward my interests or emotional world:

• I invited her to a Lord of the Rings / Hobbit orchestra performance because those stories mean a lot to me emotionally. During it, she joked about wanting smoking breaks and seemed bored.
• I suggested going to an aquarium once and she reacted with: “That’s for schoolchildren.”
• When I shared doubts about my career path and talked about possibly moving toward UX/UI or business analysis, she reacted to “business analyst” with a sarcastic laugh.
• I spent over a year forcing myself to study coding because I wanted to build a stable future for us. At first she sometimes encouraged me and even called me. But later, when I admitted how mentally difficult it had become and how lost I felt, she snapped and told me I had basically wasted a year of my life.

There were also moments where I felt emotionally invisible:

• We once did MBTI personality tests together. I became deeply interested in understanding her type and discussing it. In return, she showed almost no curiosity about mine.

• Sometimes I would simply sit quietly because I felt emotionally drained or anxious, and she would pressure me by saying: “Say something or I’ll leave.”

• When I tried introducing her to more of my family, she often avoided it and eventually asked: “Introduce me as who exactly?”

• She criticized my friends often, but at other moments suddenly claimed she missed them and wanted everyone together again.

• She once told me she thinks she’ll probably become a single mother someday.

• She openly said she would accept a luxury Maldives trip from someone even if she already knew the relationship wiht this person had no future, because “why not.”

She also had a principle she jokingly described as:

“Break the dishes, I’ll pay for them.”

• She smashed dishes during conflicts with family and previous partners.
• She sometimes used degrading language about people in general.

And despite ALL of this…

There were still many moments where she could feel genuinely loving, affectionate, playful, caring, emotionally intimate, soft, and warm.

Sometimes after hurting me badly, she would suddenly switch completely and become extremely gentle again. That emotional contrast is probably what made the relationship so psychologically confusing for me.

Toward the end of the relationship, I felt emotionally exhausted, anxious, insecure, and disconnected from myself. I constantly questioned whether I was “man enough,” good enough, ambitious enough, emotionally strong enough, etc.

At the same time, she still watches all my Instagram stories months later and even checked my LinkedIn recently despite barely using LinkedIn before.

One thing that especially messes with my head now is that she appears to already be in a new relationship, probably for several months. She frequently likes posts about:

- “finally being in a healthy and happy relationship”

- “the right man”

- “being loved properly”

- “healthy masculine energy”

- “finally experiencing healthy love”

and similar content.

And honestly, part of me keeps wondering:

“What if she actually changed?”

“What if I really was the problem?”

“What if she’s now giving someone else the version of her I kept hoping to get?”

I genuinely loved her, and there were moments where she made me feel incredibly special. But I also slowly lost my sense of safety and self-esteem in the relationship.

Does this sound like emotional immaturity, avoidant attachment, narcissistic traits, trauma-related behavior, simple incompatibility, or something else entirely?

I’m genuinely trying to understand the dynamic and will be grateful to get some answers. It will be very helpful for me.

TW emotional abuse

I met them maybe five years ago. We became good friends and then I felt a spark and we started dating. They were one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and for a time I felt that it was okay for me to be myself around them.

We moved in together, started making life plans together. The circumstances of that transition were a bit rough - I was out of a job and searching for good employment. So I felt a power imbalance that I thought I could fix once I was back on my feet. They are autistic, which colors both my favorite parts of them and the abusive parts of them. The move was a big change, and the stress of it made them very short tempered. They would yell at me for putting things in the wrong place, and I excused it as the stress of the move.

Time went on, and I got a steady job. They would bounce back and forth between being very sweet and romantic to being aggressively demeaning. On their worse days they'd belittle me until I shut up and shut down. I felt that I was not safe to take up space in conversations.

I was filled with anxiety when they proposed to me. We had talked about it before, and I told them that I wasn't ready for it. By this time, I had given up hope and found it again over and over. I was desperate to make it work. And so I was afraid, but I said yes because they had a photographer watching. They later said that they didn't remember me saying I wasn't ready.

A few months later, around the holidays, we went through another rough patch. They were picking fights over things like my sensory issues and me asserting boundaries. They shut me down on Christmas with my family because I don't want a dog since the barking scares me. And I cried there and I felt so embarrassed and insecure.

They started nitpicking everything I did. Dishes, occasional food waste, other chores; it was never up to their standards. I want to defend myself here - I did a complete job with everything, but they didn't like how I did it. Like putting silverware in the dishwasher the "wrong" way (pointy end down). I felt like I couldn't move through the world for fear of fucking up and getting yelled at.

A few months later, my betta fish got sick and died. He was very special to me and I tried everything I could to help him recover. My partner told me I was a bad pet owner and that I shouldn't have animals. They got mad at me for shutting down. They told me I never listen and I'm irresponsible. I know that is not true.

Our last fight was over some cat puke. One of the cats had puked in a room I don't spend a lot of time in. And I was out doing chores and errands all morning. When they got out of bed in the afternoon, they got mad at me for not cleaning the cat puke. I didn't even know it was there. I told them it was unfair for them to be mad at me. I offered to clean it up, but they just wanted to be mad. They hurled all kinds of spiteful, resentful things at me. So I left.

I'm about a month out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Some days are better than others. Most of the time, I feel free. Sometimes I feel empty, craving the love that I know my ex could show. We still live together, but in our own rooms. I avoid them where I can. I've been coping with weed and community. But I think I will still have my darker days until I can move out in a few months.

Not sure how to end this. Thanks for listening, and remember that you deserve to be loved unconditionally. If you are wondering if it's abuse, it's probably abuse. And if you're hoping you can fix them, leave so you can fix the damage they've done to you.

When I was 6 years old my father had me in his care every other weekend. He is an alcoholic/addict. He took me to a hotel room one weekend. We went swimming. That night, I fell asleep in my swim suit. We each had our own queen size bed. I was almost asleep when I heard the t.v. I peeked over my shoulder and he had put on a movie.. I thought.. so I started watching.. and then it quickly became a very adult movie. It was straight up a porn. And when he noticed me watching he said, " you can keep watching if you want...." I feel so gross talking about this.... buy i stayed up the entire "movie" watching.... I dont remember falling asleep..... I honestly dont remember anything after he said that..... thats where my memory goes..... but, after 17 years of addiction myself, Im sober now and with a daughter of my own..... he insists in being in her life.... and my intuition is that he is not appropriate.... I have tried talking to him about that night he told me I could watch porn with him.... and the first time I brought it up he told me he wanted to show me what sex was like and that it was his equivalent to "the talk"..... but now... after I had my daughter, he says he never said that and that he was asleep the entire time and the porn came on all on its own....... back then ( I was born 1994) you absolutely had to buy porns like that, and they most certainly costed money..... like a lot of money..... He got drunk one night last month and told me that he was sorry..... But tonight he was acting strange and drunk, he wouldnt stop his abusive comments.... and then I overheard him saying how disgusting I am for ever bringing something like that up... like sarcasticly saying " Ohhhh YEAH LIKE I REALLY SHOWED YOU A PORN!!! COMMMME ONNNNN".. I just texted him "gross" and blocked his number... I need him gone out of my life..... Writing this really sucks..... I pushed that night out of my mind for so many years.... and when I told my mom she was literally on his side...... which I dont get.... because he was so emotionally and physically abusive to her and thats why they got divorced when I was just 1 years old....... This IS sexual abuse..... right??? And it gets worse every single time.... there is so much more though..... so much emotional abuse from him....and he is (was) supposed to be my father...... he always said he wasnt ever a father, more like a "best friend"...... ick I am so grossed out.... ANY thoughts would be appreciated.... thanks

So hi my name is Bianca or MoonScout89, I am 23 years old. So I am trying to grieve my abusive, drug addicted Mother. She passed away in 2023 of a drug overdose - I couldn't believe that she had died. Nobody had called or told me that she had passed away, the craziest part about this is that I found out she died through an Obituary page online. It said her name and when she had passed, but I was in denial. I was like, this can't be my Mother.

I then asked my Dad if he had her Social Security number, then he ordered the death certificate and I found out it DEFINITELY was my Mom that died. I am trying to grieve her death, but its so hard considering what a horrible, abusive person she was.

She mentally and emotionally abused me. And she abused drugs heavily before her fatal overdose. Its hard to grieve someone that is like this - I'm not sure what to do exactly.

Any advice is welcome.

I've been feeling really really bad, struggling massively and am losing hope to have any happiness in my life.

So I wanted to come here and try to be a good person, by asking you how you're doing.

So genuinely, how are you? How's the healing going?