u/elzafirst

When I was 6 years old my father had me in his care every other weekend. He is an alcoholic/addict. He took me to a hotel room one weekend. We went swimming. That night, I fell asleep in my swim suit. We each had our own queen size bed. I was almost asleep when I heard the t.v. I peeked over my shoulder and he had put on a movie.. I thought.. so I started watching.. and then it quickly became a very adult movie. It was straight up a porn. And when he noticed me watching he said, " you can keep watching if you want...." I feel so gross talking about this.... buy i stayed up the entire "movie" watching.... I dont remember falling asleep..... I honestly dont remember anything after he said that..... thats where my memory goes..... but, after 17 years of addiction myself, Im sober now and with a daughter of my own..... he insists in being in her life.... and my intuition is that he is not appropriate.... I have tried talking to him about that night he told me I could watch porn with him.... and the first time I brought it up he told me he wanted to show me what sex was like and that it was his equivalent to "the talk"..... but now... after I had my daughter, he says he never said that and that he was asleep the entire time and the porn came on all on its own....... back then ( I was born 1994) you absolutely had to buy porns like that, and they most certainly costed money..... like a lot of money..... He got drunk one night last month and told me that he was sorry..... But tonight he was acting strange and drunk, he wouldnt stop his abusive comments.... and then I overheard him saying how disgusting I am for ever bringing something like that up... like sarcasticly saying " Ohhhh YEAH LIKE I REALLY SHOWED YOU A PORN!!! COMMMME ONNNNN".. I just texted him "gross" and blocked his number... I need him gone out of my life..... Writing this really sucks..... I pushed that night out of my mind for so many years.... and when I told my mom she was literally on his side...... which I dont get.... because he was so emotionally and physically abusive to her and thats why they got divorced when I was just 1 years old....... This IS sexual abuse..... right??? And it gets worse every single time.... there is so much more though..... so much emotional abuse from him....and he is (was) supposed to be my father...... he always said he wasnt ever a father, more like a "best friend"...... ick I am so grossed out.... ANY thoughts would be appreciated.... thanks