u/Porcupine98

I was abused as a child. Badly, by my mother. I was raised alone with her, no other social interaction unless one of her friends came over or I was at school. So I didn't have much experience with dealing with people. Then left her, at age 18, to move in with another abusive person who also isolated me. (Ex boyfriend)

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, due to extreme hyperactivity I could not control. And extreme focus issues. I strongly disagree with the ADHD diagnosis as I've never felt like I've felt in with the ADHD mentality. Bipolar though? Yes.

I still suffer from the extreme focus issues but only during times of stress. When I'm stressed out, even slightly, my mind spirals and I'll either start making my own life hell (self punishment) and start feeling very depressed. For example, if I can't figure out money for a bill, I'll end up not eating for days to "make up the mistake", if that makes sense (I don't often have food in and get food as I feel I need it, cooking is very hard for me financially recently, so in a way I feel like I have to cut costs completely just to be able to get the money asap so I can stop feeling stressed. I use dailypay daily so I have to manage my daily spending)

As I am typing this I am seeing all the bipolar signs. Sigh. I always felt like an alien, like I was a little erratic and was prone to making bad decisions, and like none accepted me. Even though I'm sure they did and it was all in my head. I oftentimes think people hate me or want nothing to do with me and lately have been struggling with just communication on bad days. Some days I'll be silent because there's "nothing to say" (maybe my life is just boring, but sometimes I could say something about my life but feel like no one cares so why say it)

My coworkers came to me recently to say "you're not ok, you're not performing and you're acting not like yourself". That was my wake up call. Growing up, I had no one to tell me that. In my relationship I had no one to tell me that. This is the first time I've been able to have people who genuinely cared about me.

That made me realize and I plan on going to a doctor as soon as I can financially afford it to get medicated and officially diagnosed (the tests online all sayy "yes bitch, you have it", plus it makes sense for all the things I've struggled with in my life (deep depression randomly, dark thoughts, high sense of self occasionally, etc,)

My boss suggested I go on a LOA since I'm struggling mentally, but I don't know if it'll help me. I feel like I need the rest, but I had to flee my state to escape the two abusive people and am in a new-ish apartment. A lot of my spiraling is based on the fact I was ripped away from my old life so suddenly. I had no time to process before resuming work in my new state, while in a shelter.

If I am not working, I am afraid of an absolute breakdown since I'm in a new state, and can't explore much of the area due to not being able to drive (wasn't allowed to) and not having money to go do things, so in the 6 months I've lived in my new state I haven't gone anywhere besides a few streets over, or when I walk to work. So I don't know the area. Also very triggering as I would walk around my old town all the time, lived there my entire life. This is my first time "away from home", so to speak, even though I don't have one. This area is not walkable and does not have sidewalks everywhere, I would explore more but am afraid of getting lost. Once I am able to afford drivers ed and get a car I'll feel better but that will take years. Maybe I need to save up and go back home, not to the abusers, but to the comfort. Every time I think of places I miss in my old town I start getting deeply depressed and anxious. If I don't take a LOA, I'll likely be fired. I'll more than likely take it but don't know how long is smart.

Advice please, I know you get it. I know you guys are the only ones who get it.

I am currently struggling to hand wash my clothing. I can wash the thinner stuff fine, but the big bulky stuff like blankets and jackets, I have no idea how to wash without hurting myself. Right now I don't have any clean blankets or many clean clothes due to the fact they aren't easy to hand wash. My one pair of shoes absolutely reeks, and I've tried soaking it in detergent but it isn't working.

So, how do you hand wash clothing? Tips, tricks? It takes many hours to even do a few things, and then there's the problem of finding a place to let it dry and hoping it is dried by the next day. I don't have a hair dryer or anything that would help dry it faster.

Any tips appreciated, I'm getting tired of having no clothing available or no blankets. I currently use a little bucket to soak.

How are you supposed to be able to have normal conversations with people? People ask how I am, I'm going to be honest, and tell them the truth about my life, and they're going to run away. Or, I can lie and say I'm fine. I never feel close to anyone. Being poor sucks.

Have you been able to date or make friends while being poor? How do you do so? I have tried, but eventually I have to admit my problems, and again people will always run away.

I am feeling like I'm gonna have a heart attack. I'm so stressed out. I need to calm down but have no one to talk to.

I've been feeling really bad this week, but today I have had spikes of anxiety so bad I feel like I'm gonna pass out at every second. I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin, have a heart attack, and puke all at the same time.

How do you feel better when you can't do the things that normally help? I need to stay focused at work but am struggling, I'm either about to cry, or about to have a heart attack from the stress.

I am starting to think about what I want to do for my birthday this year, as it's the first one abuse-free in over 27 years. It's coming up soon. Financially can't do much, but I am planning on putting money aside (if I can) to walk to the grocery store and buy things I want not just have things from shelters/free food pantríes to eat. I have been craving so many foods I can't afford, like salad. It's been forever since I had a good salad with lots of veggies. I'll probably make that.

What are some fun, free things you can do on a birthday? I wasn't allowed to celebrate my birthday in the relationship, and as a kid, I could never plan my own birthday, so this is the first time I get to celebrate myself. I will probably have one person spend the day with me. Possibly not, so I should plan to be alone.

What's something that is fun to do that will help my day feel special?

For me, grocery shopping and clothes shopping. I can't wait to have a style I like, and clothes that fit. I haven't gotten to do either in years, and groceries, never often. I'm also excited for the day I no longer have to hear the words "late fee".

For those of us who have no mothers.

It's my first year being an orphan. I feel for you, and I know your pain. I'm sadly working today and will hopefully disassociate the day away, so I don't break down crying. All I wanted was love.

I had to flee my state, to escape my adoptive mom who is a narcissistic abusive person, and my ex-boyfriend who was also an abusive narcissistic person. No contact with birth family. I am 6 months away from them. I left, and have no support system. I am working tomorrow, and scheduled alone, instead of with the two people I normally work with. I'm already so anxious, and so depressed, I don't know what to do.

So I guess for all of us, happy survivor day. Happy orphan day. Happy love yourself day.

I'll probably be crying all day but at least I'm alive. If I stayed I wouldn't be.

I've been feeling really really bad, struggling massively and am losing hope to have any happiness in my life.

So I wanted to come here and try to be a good person, by asking you how you're doing.

So genuinely, how are you? How's the healing going?

My life has fallen apart. My job is trying to get rid of me because my memory is gone, due to trauma. I was abused my entire life, by parent and by boyfriend. Both abusers physically, financially, and emotionally destroyed me.

I fled my state and haven't looked back, but I am struggling on how to survive. Rent is hard to acquire on time every month, I'm always stressed about it. Now my job is up in the air. I've never had access to money, and I'm completely overwhelmed. I thought life was supposed to get better after getting out.

I know I need therapy but I can't afford it. I can't afford it mentally, by having to talk about it, I'm too exhausted. And I can't afford food or rent easily, so obviously, therapy is off the table.

I am miserable and am losing hope on feeling like life gets better. I am unable to do a lot now, and everything is so much harder. Even breathing feels hard most days. But I constantly have more expectations put on me.

If I could afford it, I really need time off, but I can't. I went from my job, to moving states with an hour notice and moving into a shelter, getting transfered to my new job, to getting my apartment, and now to losing it. I have had no break, and I am starting to unravel.

I'm so frustrated and done and I wish I was never born. Life doesn't seem worth it anymore. If I have to spend my life constantly trying to not die, then what's the point.

My stress levels are so high most days I can't stomach food or even have interest.

I can't remember anything, including things I said 2 seconds ago.

I struggle with the idea of letting anyone near me, and trusting that they won't hurt me.

I am struggling at my job, due to the memory issues.

I'm so tired all the time it takes 3 coffees to get through the day.

I can't sleep though I'm exhausted. When I do there's no rest.

I want genuine connection, but am too scared to accept it. That's for friends, or romantic interests.

I don't know who I am. I don't know what I enjoy or what I am capable of. I don't know what I'm good at, actually, feels like I'm good at nothing.

I just want to feel okay again. I want to be able to think clearly. I want my memory back. I want to be able to live life without being judged all the time, because I am struggling.

How do you LIVE with the brain fog and memory issues? I'm about to lose my job because of it and I feel so demotivated. I want to see a doctor to help with all of this but I can't even afford groceries consistently, adding one more bill will kill me. I can't even pay rent on time and could get evicted this month because I have $200, towards LAST months rent, and I don't see any way of getting it paid by the time they file for eviction.

I am so so done. I can't live anymore like this. Life isn't worth it if I can't remember anything, or trust anything enough. Life isn't worth it if I am not able to rise above it. And I've tried. I've been 6 months away from abuse, 27 years of it, and I thought I was doing well. But turns out I can't handle it. If I could afford a doctor I'd be looking into disability because I am positive I'll get fired. And learning a new job is too much for me.

I don't mind eating every other day, I suppose, if I am only able to work a few days a week. Or maybe I can live off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a few months so I can work only enough to pay rent. I can't handle 40 hours. I am free from the abuse, but I will never get to live a normal life.

I was put up for adoption, adopted by a psychopath, tortured for 17 years, then kidnapped by my boyfriend at the time, and forced to be with them for 10 years, developed Stockholm syndrome. I was unaware of the abuse with my ex, besides physical abuse. Leaving helped me understand why he was abusive. I escaped, very recently, only 6 months ago, with a suitcase and no money. I had somebody help get me plane tickets, but I had to do everything on my own in a new state. Ask me anything.

Edit: Because everyone thinks I'm lying, here's a post explaining.

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/8OTiw0Ku4P

Here's a post of me trying to get help from other people suffering from the same thing, a few months ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAfterNarcissism/s/ePqa4zDAPU

If you'd like me to contact the police and get all the incident numbers from my childhood with DCF and with my ex getting arrested, I will do so. But I shouldn't have to prove myself. This is why people never talk about what they've gone through, because people assume that they're lying.

Look up Gabby petito. Please.

Those that are genuinely taking this serious, I appreciate you.

I am tired of being accused of being a liar. I fled my state. People who are in safe situations don't do that. And I guess this was a bad idea for me to do. I am done. If you have something negative to say, I will no longer reply, but to anyone who has genuine questions, I'll still answer.

I

I have never experienced love before. I was put up for adoption, was adopted by a psychopath, was abused growing up, and was never allowed to have friends. My mother claimed to love me, but tortured me. Not the, "she took away my game boy so I was sad" type of abuse. I am talking about locking me in my room, locking me in the basement, physical abuse, financial abuse. Up until 6 months ago, I had never seen $1,000 before. I didn't even know what that was a normal amount of money for someone to have. I still don't have it but am hopeful that someday soon I can celebrate having $1k to my name. I want from an abused child, to being kidnapped at age 17 and was in an abusive relationship of 10 years. I was starved, raped, all the fun stuff. She did not love me, he did not love me, and I was not allowed to have anyone else in my life. I escaped my captor 6 months ago.

Really, though, I am venting here because I genuinely am struggling with all of this. I want love, I deserve love. I thought it would be easier to find somebody that cares about you. I tried online dating and got so frustrated with how it seemed to be more about hookups than connection. People would say they were there for connection, but that would very quickly show their true intentions. And that's not fair. I feel like I deserve to have a hug, for the first time, that actually means I love you, not I need to control you. It would be nice to be kissed. It would be nice to be told I love you. It would be nice to have somebody who cares about me, after living 27 years of my life with no one. But apparently I have to wait, and I know, eventually, hopefully, there will be somebody there for me. But I am impatient. I made a best friend for the first time ever in my life, and that really does help. But I don't know what love feels like. I wish I did. I hope one day that I will get to experience it. Maybe not, though. Maybe I'll never get to experience what genuine care feels like, or what it feels like to have support. I hope I am wrong.

I want to meet people terribly, but am so scared of the expectations. I just want someone to love me for me, not my body, not for what I can provide for them, not for the physical aspects of it. I just want someone to look at me, and see me, as a person for the first time, and not as an object. Not as just some pretty little doll that they can keep up on their shelf. I've spent 27 years waiting for someone to love me, as no one ever did. Maybe I'll spend the next 27 doing the same. I just want to be seen.