u/Nervous_Produce491

Sorry I don't know how to start this off. It's going to be a cliche childhood abuse (**trigger warning**) story but that isn't going to stop me so yeah sorry. If you read this, tysm and any reply would be appreciated lol. And sorry if it comes out emotionally constipated.

My mom used to:

- Threaten suicide (once almost attempted suicide) in front of me (I was near 5 and 10/12). Placed a knife in my hand point it towards her stomach and asked me to "kill her".

- Force my face into my soiled underwear once when I was 8 and told me to "eat"

- Place my fingers near the burning stove just to feel the heat and used to threaten me with burning, tried to burn my fingers once.

- Lock me and my brother separately in different washrooms with lights off for minutes

- Tell me to "die" that she only has one daughter and would be grateful if I died. (I was 9)

- Tell me that it was me and her against the world when I was 3-5 and separated me from my grandparents, then when my sister was born, she told him that it was him and her against the world and I was just like my dad and my grandparents.

- Make me "study" 12-14 hrs when I was in NUR-KG and she used to hit and scream until her bangles broke, my lip was bleeding, and my hair had somewhat ripped off. She used to "teach" me while doing household work, fighting with my dad, and if something went wrong, like her stubbing her toe, plate falling, argument with dad, well I always there to hit no? That's all of it is happening because of me.

- Have violent fights with my dad involving choking, hitting head, breaking a finger once, jumping from a moving car etc.

- Used to not hug me, give me any affection when I was 3, telling me she was teaching me that "Life is harsh"

-choked me when I was 12.

-chased me around the house, scissors in her hand, blood curling screams that she will kill me, I hid, she found me, held me in a headlock and chopped a lock of my long hair before my dad stopped her.

My furthest I could remember in that household was of my mom holding a knife and warning my dad or my grandfather to come near her else she would kill herself. I think I was near 3/4. I was trained by everyone in my family from 2-8/9/10 to not speak whatever goes inside the family. My grandparents, mom everyone taught me to keep my mouth shut.

When my sister was born, she was around 1 or 2 when I asked my mom when will she start getting hit as well?.. I was around 6-7. Mom said when she grows up, I was a bit disappointed because it hurt watching (I believed this is how it worked, till 3 children were pampered, then came hitting) but yeah I could wait. When my sister reached 4-5, was in NUR-KG, I asked my mom why aren't you hitting her? And she told me that she just couldn't. That my sister was too cute and she still looks like a baby to her. I felt so bad, I bought this up multiple times as a joke (I was near 8-9-10 and still getting hit) until got angry at me, and then one day after a particularly bad study session, the night she held my sister in her arms and hugged and kissed her and cooed to her and told me that she wished I was dead and that she only had one daughter and it wasn't me.

My emotions kind of shut off after that, like around 12, I started to shut down and around 13 it was complete. Eventually my dad eventually started siding with mom, since I was completely passive. And I was alone. Once again. My dad left me like my mom did. And for the next few yrs, I forgot the start 12 yrs of my life.

Fresh start I guess lol.

Unfortunately, it wasn't as smooth sailing. About 4-6 yrs later after all this, while I was in the middle of my childhood amnesia breaking, my mom mentioned how much I reminded her of her mother-in-law and my dad. And suddenly everything fit. And now I can't even blame anyone here. She just sounds so broken.

Title ^

I wake up early wishing its not morning because today is coaching and I don't want to go coaching. Coaching starts at 9, cab comes at 8:10, I try to sleep till 7:55 at least, so when my parents wake me up at 7:35 or 7:30 I feel a bit happy and sleep 5 mins then checks time and keeps on doing that till its 7:55, I won't get up from bed at 7:54 but will get up at 7:56 or any other time after 7:55. But the days I wake up at 7:55 or later for the first time instead of 7:30 are the bad ones because I don't get the "extra" time. I get ready, don't like to eat in morning, sit in cab (that's the best part cuz I get 30 mins to hear music and look out of the window, the longer the drive is the more I enjoy no matter if I will get late. I hate the part when we are about to arrive, anticipate it, and I hate to remove my earphones and only get them off 20 secs before we arrive (that time is perfect, as in it's the max I can afford all the while listening to music and also packing things up so as to not inconvenience others) and put my id card on.

I then steps out, am super upset, but continue ahead, check my room, and then climb the stairs all the while thinking of how I really don't want to do this, how I cant do this, then I think about which period is first, math, chem or phys, I prefer if physics is in the last, maths in mid, and chem early. I hate the chem teacher. He keeps on picking on students in my sensitive opinion. He randomly choses whosoever makes eye contact with him and starts asking him question, if they answer right he keeps on asking more and more until they stumble, and if they don't answer right he makes a joke out of them, I pray and pray today wont be my turn so I never makes eye contact and keep my head down, still then is the fear that he will call upon me, I cant always avoid his eyes for straight up 2 hrs (he notices that too), so I am careful to look at only the board even when he is looking at students, when he is saying something I am either looking at the board or near his shoulders or head, never eyes. Whenever he calls on me I freeze, oh no not me, and I am never able to answer his question (its not about getting wrong but more about the reactions, I don't want them to look too much like in a certain way, like not the silence, not the weird staring like they r thinking something or something shocked them, or something happened, or the class quiet or anything. Just move forward as normal as if nothing happened. My mind goes blank, I believe I'll be heavily insulted and they will say wrong thing to me. Like stop implying things and say them straight to my face like I'm useless (use strong abusive language) etc and I would just stand their taking it saying nothing, and everyone would be shocked to find the 'reality' of me. I also notice I'm defending myself against something they didn't say but I feel they think. Like once a teacher kept glancing in my notebook and being overtly involved in my studies and like asking marks for everyone but I felt it was specially orchestrated that he was really interested in my marks the most. I kept fighting my mind saying 'I'm not that. I'm not this. I do this at home sir it means i cant be like this. It's not my fault. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. IM SORRY.' Only for teacher to call me in his class, me crying and breakdown and him telling he was just concerned that something was going on at home. Nothing else.) but I've have been called on so many times that I've realised by now that saying "I don't know" is better than giving him wrong answer and him questioning even deeper. And thus, making more fun of me.

During maths class its a bit better, because I genuinely love solving problems, but since that day my dad asked the teachers to ask me more questions and make me participate in class, I've always been edge, because I now sit near the front and watch the teacher checking or looking down my notebook immediately after assigning a question (which is basically what we did all the 2 hrs, questions and questions only) so it became a hell of a sort. I couldn't focus or write, I couldn't think, which is basically all would be roaming in my mind, "LEAVE ME ALONE" "DONT LOOK" "IM SORRY" .so I would start rewriting the question again and again because I couldn't think. And the teacher would give me looks or I would feel like the teacher is only looking at me. I only prayed he wouldn't call out my name. Or say something to me. I keep on waiting for the clock to tick faster.

Anyway, after math there was 30 mins where I took out my huge ass tiffin, I didn't like how huge it was because I was worried I would look like someone who eats too much and there were about 5 mini tiffin inside and I didn't want to drop anything to draw attention to her. 30 mins of small talk with my friend, where my friend kept on yapping and I zoned out.

Then it was physics period, the best for her (even though I like chemistry and maths better in subjects), cuz I can literally do anything, the teacher didn't pay much attention to students. And didn't single me out. He kept on teaching and making students try new questions. I kept on mindlessly copying from board for the next 2 hrs and zoning out, and I would keep on checking on my watch to when it would get over bcoz I was sleepy. Finally.

I would pack my bags, head out and, try to take shortcuts so the girl in my cab won't get the window seat first (but I was usually late bcoz my friend liked to yap and walk slow) then finally get in the cab, if the seat was near window and I got to open the windows it would be the best, but I could work otherwise too and with my headphones I would enjoy the time getting lost in my mind. Then it would get over too soon. I would be home. I would throw my bag on sofa, take out the tiffin and put it in sink and then get changed in her room and open my tab, connect my tablet to my headphones, avoid talking to my parents, listen to music and read either stories, or read non fictional books online, watch controversies or mostly just daydream while listening to music, swinging on my bed. And woops it would be 11 pm from 5 pm.

Then I would imagine scenes about opening up about my whole life to someone. Telling someone everything. Trying to justify why I wasn't able to study or do anything really. And then me wishing desperately that it were true. Except it was not. I wasn't studying. I was going to get bad marks again, but I couldn't. So I would go back to distracting herself again, staying awake late till night, sometimes it was 1 then 2, then 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 just because I didn't want the other day to start. Bcoz it would be coaching day again.

I just feel so horrible. It comes and it goes. And goes just means shutdown, not okay. And comes means feeling like shit, like my heart is broken. I feel like screaming so bad, and I do. I dissociate, I go in my head and I scream, but it can't get out. I'm so scared of showing even a tee of emotion outside. The only acceptable emotions are - laughing and quiet and smile - nothing else is allowed. I don't like feeling this way, I want someone to remove it out of me. Whatever pain is there in my heart.

I've tried grounding techniques, deep breathings, or other free DBT etc courses but they just make me come back to my body and make me feel more suicidal. I don't want to do this, I'm so scared I'm sorry. I'm scared every day, every min and every second of my life. For everything. Since childhood, it used to be whether my mom would live to see the day or not, then it became whether I would get killed this time or not, now my brain loves making up scenes... I imagine things that are not there and I KNOW I'm making it up but that doesn't stop the fear response, doesn't stop me from taking a step back sticking my back to the wall so I can see everything, if I try to say something to myself, my mind screams 'shut up' and if I dared breath or do something like say 'it's not real, you're okay' and I would scream in my mind so I can't afford to do any of that except shut it down. I've spent a year reading therapy and trauma books to help myself but nope. I know and I can tell what and why it's happening (not fully no, I still don't have all my memories) but it doesn't stop, it doesn't go away and whenever it hits, I feel like screaming and collapsing but I'm not allowed to do that. I'm so scared all the time. And I'm totally alone in this since my coping mechanisms r self-isolation, daydreaming, dissociating, intellectualizing etc.

Also, I'm scared of people. And I keep projecting my trauma on my friends (they're kids so I can't tell them). If their mom is too harsh, and they seem very upset I become triggered and start venting to myself on how these things could lead to road of emotional numbness only to realise things r back to normal there and the mom is fine and she was just being dramatic. It wasn't serious. But I was scared. I got so scared. I couldn't sleep and I cried the night.

When will I feel okay? It isn't stopping.

I just feel so horrible. It comes and it goes. And goes just means shutdown, not okay. And comes means feeling like shit, like my heart is broken. I feel like screaming so bad, and I do. I dissociate, I go in my head and I scream, but it can't get out. I'm so scared of showing even a tee of emotion outside. The only acceptable emotions are - laughing and quiet and smile - nothing else is allowed. I don't like feeling this way, I want someone to remove it out of me. Whatever pain is there in my heart.

I've tried grounding techniques, deep breathings, or other free DBT etc courses but they just make me come back to my body and make me feel more suicidal. I don't want to do this, I'm so scared I'm sorry. I'm scared every day, every min and every second of my life. For everything. Since childhood, it used to be whether my mom would live to see the day or not, then it became whether I would get killed this time or not, now my brain loves making up scenes... I imagine things that are not there and I KNOW I'm making it up but that doesn't stop the fear response, doesn't stop me from taking a step back sticking my back to the wall so I can see everything, if I try to say something to myself, my mind screams 'shut up' and if I dared breath or do something like say 'it's not real, you're okay' and I would scream so I can't afford to do any of that except shut it down. I've spent a year reading therapy and trauma books to help myself but nope. I know and I can tell what and why it's happening (not fully no, I still don't have all my memories) but it doesn't stop, it doesn't go away and whenever it hits, I feel like screaming and collapsing but I'm not allowed to do that. I'm so scared all the time. And I'm totally alone in this since my coping mechanisms r self isolation, daydreaming, dissociating, intellectualizing etc.

Also I'm scared of people. And I keep projecting my trauma on my friends (they're kids so I can't tell them). If their mom is too harsh, and they seem very upset I become triggered and start venting to myself on how these things could lead to road of emotional numbness only to realise things r back to normal there and the mom is fine and she was just being dramatic. It wasn't serious. But I was scared. I got so scared. I couldn't sleep and I cried the night.

When will I feel okay? It isn't stopping.

17F.

It's gonna be long sorry. This needed to go out somewhere since helplines were pretty useless on the chat basis, I tried 3 different ones on different occasions. And I can't afford a call. I just needed a human perspective on this. So reddit is all I could think of.

My earliest memory is of my grandfather and my dad holding and physically restraining and dragging my mother while she was hitting and screaming and kicking that she did not want to live. In this house. In this world. To end her torture of a life. To not make her suffer and just kill her. Let her die. I was in my grandmother's arms watching. I was 3.

Since when I was 0-3, my grandparents used to keep me away from my mom. So by the time I was 3, I could speak "dadu, dadi, papa, bua" etc but not "mummy". My mom was pretty upset, and when my grandparents and dad went away for a week, my mom's some relative came to our home and she taught me to speak mom. They used this technique where my mom won't respond to me at all until and unless I called her "mommy" and not by pronouns or her real name. I learned in a week.

Since my loving mom didn't want me to live the same life as her, she started teaching me. I would be coloring on my coloring book and she would ask me to come sleep with her, I would say okay, she would count to 10 and if I didn't come before that, she would refuse to hug me or kiss me. I would use to go crying. She used to say she was teaching me. That life wasn't that easy.

I was in nursery and kg till I turned 11. We used to have "study" sessions, we used to study numbers and alphabets, for 12-14hrs per day on weekends and any free time after her office work and house work on weekdays. That "study" session used to consist of slapping 10-15 times in a row, hair pulling and breaking, face clawing and snatching, my specs used to come flying out, her bangles used to break, her ring used to cut my lips or cheeks, and her eyes used to have tears in it by the end and her hair would be dishevelled. She was "teaching" me though. I used to run to my dad to "save me from mom" since I was about 2-5. I stopped after that.

She used weapons. She used to drag me to the stove, turn it on, try to get my hand in it, I would yank and then she would say "Next time if you don't do it I'll burn your fingers." She also loved locking us in washrooms, lights off, for a few mins only though, from when I was 6-12. I never screamed, I would just shut up, stick to a wall, away from the mirror so I could see every side and door and just pray she would open up soon. My sister learned that later when she turned older, she used to scream herself hoarse and her scratch heavily on the doors till her nails bled. I hated hearing that.

I was 4 when she once locked me outside the house and then 12 and multiple times in the past as well. She used to drag us with our hands and hair outside the house. Once she threatened me that she will throw me out naked outside the house. Never did though. But you can't trust her. I would be listening to music, and out of nowhere she would come from kitchen, frying pan with oil bubbling in it in her hand and in front of my face, demanding I clean the room.

My parents used to have violent fights when I was a kid, almost every day. It's reduced now. She recently though, an year ago, stabbed a pen in my dad's arm and he slapped her for that. Then when I was near 12, heard they had the most violent fight I remembered. From washroom to drawing room. Included choking, hitting head on sink or with wiper on back etc etc. Once she jumped out of our moving car and they were having a physical fight in the car while it was moving. It was night and she had no phone. The other time she got out of the car, I had to run behind her to get her back, since my sister was crying so much, I fell in rush and bruised my knees and some blood came out of my arm. I was about 14.

Warning - this is a bit descriptive:

'I was about 0-3 and I had constipation problems so they used chingari near my bum to make me poop. They told me about this, I did not know. And I continued to have continued to have problems with my stool till I turned 9. I always remembered to wash my soiled under wears because my mom used to get super mad when I soiled them, she did not care whether I washed or not, still I hoped someday she won't notice. One day, I was 8 and she blew up. Came home, I forgot to wash my underwear that day, saw it and forced my face into it. My lips and nose touched it and she said "eat". I held my breath. She pushed my face more into it. And just as I realised I had no other option, she removed it away and said if it happened again she will make me eat for sure.'

--

She's once given me a knife in my hand, pointed it at her and told me to kill her and that I was a burden to her. She's ran off from the room to the balcony, one leg off, saying I'll jump, and then suddenly came back down.

My dad saved me at times. Stopped it from getting too violent. And then they would have violent fights. I remember being in online class in 7th grade, i was 12, hearing my parents fight violently there was head banging on sink, my mom threw my dad's office laptop on the floor, my dad choking her, and it was long enough for my sister to panic, for me to remove my earphone and hear the sound, then be confused, then realise it was choking and even then it didn't stop, and then i started debating if i should go or not, holding my sister back from going, counting seconds that if it doesnt stop in x secs i would go, x seconds came, i really didnt want to go, but it stopped just 1 more sec after that. It was silent, then there was screaming again and I relaxed. Put my headphone back and went to listen to online class with one ear still out tho. My mom would blame me for it. For the fights. She told me to suicide, to die from a truck etc etc. Some days, when I was near 7-10, she won't return home even after her office got over at 7 PM and she would come at night near 10 or 11 or one day she didn't even return the night. I was worried she would leave one day and never return. Or that she would suicide. She was in a lot of pain I know. She wasn't stable. She even told me she wasn't in mood to return, many a times she didn't want to but she still did for me.

Things calmed down in the past years. My mom's turned more controlling instead or less outburts. I just have to follow everything she says at that moment, like she tells me don't give the exam sitting on bed, move NOW to table, and I move immediately. I've turned as boring as a gray rock. No boy friends. Just 2 girl friends. Only meeting once in a month or week. Only for one hour walk. "Studying" by myself rest of the time. No outings with them either except school and walk for 1 hr. No video calls, rarely any chatting.

My mom controls me through dad these days. Dad is getting convinced of what mom says because I'm in no mood to defend myself. I don't bother with them. I'm not allowed to have hobbies. My dad has beaten me with children's golf stick and left bruises on my arms and legs. Once on my acne covered back.

Recently, my mom caught me doing the thing at night. The first thing she did was pull my fingers from there and start smelling them. Then she accused me of teaching my sister that. I said nothing. She humiliated me, telling me to "don't touch me with your hands" when she asked me to warm tea for her and I gave it to her, even told my dad the next day that my hands aren't clean and joked about it with my sister.

I only listed the "objective" worst events. But what I believe hurt the most wasn't this. It was my mom weaponizing my sister against me. When my sister was born, I was 5 and was super happy, my mom was a bit cruel to her in the start, so whenever she used to get scolded I used to go to her and console her, then I used to ask her who is in the top of her "people she loves most" list. I used to do everything my mom didn't do with her and got to the top. My mom caught up on soon, and told her that parents always come on the top, sister later. Sister leaves, parents don't, they stay forever. She got first spot in my sister's list because she was the mother after all. I felt so hurt that I tried to kill her by turning on water to extremely hot on her back when she was in bath, she screamed, I got horrified, stopped and swore to protect her all her life even if it meant risking my life. I was 7-8 ish. My mom realised soon that her horrible acts got no reaction out of me, but her loving my sister definitely. I started taking blame for the things my sister did, to "protect" her and told funny stories about her. I was feeling pretty low at that time, looking for every excuse that my mom loved me, just that she was angry sometimes and my mom one day got so angry with something my sister did, I took blame that she told me "I would be happy if you died" while holding my sister in her arms and kissing her and cooing over her. She told me, "I have only one daughter and no one else." She told me I should die. That I'm useless.

It was nighttime, bedroom lights were off. And guess what? I never felt more suicidal. She had left the room with my sister, so I opened the window, stood up on the bed, there were of course railing guards around the window, but I still place one foot on the window ledge looked down, cried, shut the window off and then cried myself more back to sleep.

So well after that, my mind kind of shut off. So my emotions were shut off. My memories were shut off. I lived from age 10/12-16 with no idea about what was going on. I was always floating in my mind, time passed like wind.

I went from praying at 4 for someone to help to finally after 12 yrs, being 16 and staring uncomprehendingly at my teacher when he asked, "what's going on at home" because I had no memories of what happened. I had forgotten everything.

Until one day I was in movie hall with my friends, in 12th grade, that I was talking to chatgpt about something, and my mom did something, I mentioned it casually to vent to chat and it told me my mom was abusive. Well that opened the damn for memories. And I realised I had completely forgotten the starting 10-12 yrs of my life with only basic info in my mind. No emotional memory. No birthdays. No holidays. Nothing. And from then since now, 8 months, I've been recollecting memories in midst of my emotional breakdowns. They still keep on coming. That's why I "remember" so much.

I'm so tired anyway.