Can someone deeply analyze and help me understand this relationship dynamic? I still can’t understand what kind of relationship I was in and can't stop blaming myself.
I still can’t understand what kind of relationship I was in.
I’m trying to understand what kind of relationship I was in and whether my perception of it is distorted. We broke up a year ago, but I still keep replaying things in my head because the relationship felt emotionally confusing.
At the beginning, she was very affectionate, supportive, and initiative-driven. She chose me over another guy who was pursuing her, and she seemed deeply invested in the relationship. She was warm, caring, and made me feel wanted. But over time, things became emotionally unstable and confusing.
Some context about her background:
- She grew up in a wealthy family, but there was a lot of yelling and emotional chaos at home. She told me her father used to hit her when she was younger, her mother would throw her belongings out the window during fights, and screaming in the family was normal.
- Despite that, she respected her parents and still remained close with them.
- She once said: “There are hammer people and nail people.”
- She admitted herself that she doesn’t handle criticism well and identified as avoidantly attached.
Over time, I started noticing:
- Sudden mood swings and emotional unpredictability.
- She could become cold, insulting, dismissive, or explosive very quickly.
- I constantly felt like I had to carefully choose my words to avoid upsetting her.
- I became anxious around her and often stayed quiet because I was afraid of saying something wrong.
Some examples:
- Once I casually corrected her posture outside. She exploded, told me “a real man wouldn’t do that,” blocked me everywhere, and told me to fuck off.
- During conflicts, I was usually the one apologizing, repeatedly calling after being blocked, bringing flowers, trying to calm things down, etc.
- During conflicts she could say things like:
- “I’m perfect.”
- “Beautiful, smart, wealthy women don’t stay alone.”
- “You should find someone you actually can afford.”
She also openly said:
- “The most negative trait in me is that I always look for benefit.”
One of her exes apparently ended things because, in his words, she “suppressed his masculinity.”
There were many moments that made me question her empathy:
- My mom got into a car accident once. Nothing life-threatening, but it scared her badly. I stayed with my mom that evening to calm her down instead of immediately meeting my girlfriend. My girlfriend became angry and basically said: “But everything turned out fine, so what’s the problem?” She never even asked afterward how my mom was doing.
- A friend of mine fell hard while skating and started crying from pain. Everyone stopped to help except my ex, who looked for a second and then continued skating.
- I once told her about a teacher from my childhood who used to cry because students bullied her badly in class. My ex responded that it was entirely the teacher’s fault for being weak and unable to control children.
- When her godfather was sent to war, I tried comforting her by saying maybe someday all of this would end and things would become peaceful again. She responded aggressively with: “Are you fucking stupid?” Then later, after noticing I emotionally shut down, she became affectionate, kissed me, and jokingly said: “Family conflict resolved?”
There were also issues involving sex and masculinity:
- I had performance anxiety / erectile issues sometimes. It was my first serious sexual relationship and I was nervous.
Another time, after a corporate party where she drank alcohol, she suddenly insisted on seeing me even though we had already agreed to meet the next day because I was exhausted from work. I eventually agreed so she wouldn’t feel hurt, but I clearly said I was too tired for sex. She promised that was okay and said she simply wanted to sleep beside me.
When she came over, later she initiated sex anyway. I tried, but lost my erection during it. She got angry and started saying things like:
- “Clearly you don’t desire me.”
- “Men at the corporate party wanted me, but you don't even want me.”
- “You never get jealous.”
At one point she even pretended a message from her friend was from another man from the party. The next morning, I woke up with a deep feeling that I didn’t want to be near her anymore.
She also seemed heavily focused on status and external image:
- Her parents bought her a brand new Renault, but she was questioned herself and me that it wasn’t a Mercedes or BMW because otherwise “people ask questions.”
- She cared a lot about expensive places, appearances, luxury, and social image.
Gift situations:
- I gave her a JBL speaker, sweets, and Christmas socks. She looked disappointed immediately and said: “Why would I even need this speaker?” Later she told me it felt like “a gift for a coworker.” Meanwhile, I politely admitted her perfume gift wasn’t exactly my scent but that I appreciated the effort. She became furious and told me to throw it in the trash.
- Another time, I gifted her a small duck keychain. Later I gave her another accessory she liked more, and right in front of me she removed the duck keychain and threw it into the garbage. I was confused and she said: “What, are you gonna dig through the trash for it now? It's just a thing. Don't overcomplicate it.”
She could also be dismissive toward my interests or emotional world:
- I invited her to a Lord of the Rings / Hobbit orchestra performance because those stories mean a lot to me emotionally. During it, she joked about wanting smoking breaks and seemed bored.
- I suggested going to an aquarium once and she reacted with: “That’s for schoolchildren.”
- When I shared doubts about my career path and talked about possibly moving toward UX/UI or business analysis, she reacted to “business analyst” with a sarcastic laugh.
- I spent over a year forcing myself to study coding because I wanted to build a stable future for us. At first she sometimes encouraged me and even called me. But later, when I admitted how mentally difficult it had become and how lost I felt, she snapped and told me I had basically wasted a year of my life.
There were also moments where I felt emotionally invisible:
We once did MBTI personality tests together. I became deeply interested in understanding her type and discussing it. In return, she showed almost no curiosity about mine.
Sometimes I would simply sit quietly because I felt emotionally drained or anxious, and she would pressure me by saying: “Say something or I’ll leave.”
When I tried introducing her to more of my family, she often avoided it and eventually asked: “Introduce me as who exactly?”
She criticized my friends often, but at other moments suddenly claimed she missed them and wanted everyone together again.
She once told me she thinks she’ll probably become a single mother someday.
She openly said she would accept a luxury Maldives trip from someone even if she already knew the relationship wiht this person had no future, because “why not.”
She also had a principle she jokingly described as:
“Break the dishes, I’ll pay for them.”
- She smashed dishes during conflicts with family and previous partners.
- She sometimes used degrading language about people in general.
And despite ALL of this…
There were still many moments where she could feel genuinely loving, affectionate, playful, caring, emotionally intimate, soft, and warm.
Sometimes after hurting me badly, she would suddenly switch completely and become extremely gentle again. That emotional contrast is probably what made the relationship so psychologically confusing for me.
Toward the end of the relationship, I felt emotionally exhausted, anxious, insecure, and disconnected from myself. I constantly questioned whether I was “man enough,” good enough, ambitious enough, emotionally strong enough, etc.
At the same time, she still watches all my Instagram stories months later and even checked my LinkedIn recently despite barely using LinkedIn before.
One thing that especially messes with my head now is that she appears to already be in a new relationship, probably for several months. She frequently likes posts about:
- “finally being in a healthy and happy relationship”
- “the right man”
- “being loved properly”
- “healthy masculine energy”
- “finally experiencing healthy love”
and similar content.
And honestly, part of me keeps wondering:
“What if she actually changed?”
“What if I really was the problem?”
“What if she’s now giving someone else the version of her I kept hoping to get?”
I genuinely loved her, and there were moments where she made me feel incredibly special. But I also slowly lost my sense of safety and self-esteem in the relationship.
Does this sound like emotional immaturity, avoidant attachment, narcissistic traits, trauma-related behavior, simple incompatibility, or something else entirely?
I’m genuinely trying to understand the dynamic and will be grateful to get some answers. It will be very helpful for me.